IFTAS 2016

That time of year, the world's most useless movie awards. Cut in duration by a third let's enjoy. Extraordinary year? Bob Geldof? Some guy with a flat nose. Eva, yum yum! Neeson, force to be reckoned with. Jack the Yank. It's the IFTAs!

Mammal

This is the kind of crap that will get made more often here once the Film Board's gender quota comes in! A middle-aged woman preys on a youth, invites him to stay in her home, and then takes advantage of him. Her own marriage is gone and her son has recently died. Set in some area slightly better than Glassland it's tedious to watch. Only one good scene: the cat attacks a baby. The rest of the movie has gay assaults, headbutts, cats mating, worn faces, nude swims, and people holding their breath under water. What's with these Aussie women starring in recent Irish movies? Who's next, Dame Edna? Contrived rubbish that's a big let down after the director's impressive debut. As bad as that other 'swimming pool' film Parked.

Title: Mammal
Genre: Drama
New/old: New
Cinema/DVD: Cinema

Murphy's stroke

Obscure film from the 1980s about a famous horse-betting scam. With famous faces (Brosnan and Toibin) it starts off in Cork and then shows different stages where a group of Irish men con bookies over in England. They switch a horse, hold another pair from racing, and then place lots of bets in different bookies on a race on a small course. It's a TV movie (out on DVD) and though badly dated is worth a look. There's little music on the soundtrack, an explanation of the word 'craic', jumps in the storyline, lots of smoking and leering at plain women, and everyone in brown suits. Routine enough though certainly deserves to be better known.

Title: Murphy's stroke
Genre: Sports
New/old: Old
Cinema/DVD: DVD

Sing Street

Back to the 1980s even though it will be never as good as similar movies from that decade. A new kid in Synge Street school gets bullied and starts a band. His parents are separating and everyone older is emigrating. Except the stoner brother who looks like he's time travelled back from 1995. As expected the original songs are great while the new ones are not. The main problem is that there are dozens of similar music videos online from the 1980s that capture that era better. Check out Vision's Love dance to see similar ideas used in this movie. Best scenes were the Rio cover (I liked the way the kid played that keyboard riff instead of using a sequencer) and the imaginary school dance from the 1950s. No mention of Live Aid? This movie has its moments but overall it's a bit lame and bland. Why does his family have such a good record collection yet no money? That final scene was a Fellini rip-off.

Title: Sing Street
Genre: Musical
New/old: New
Cinema/DVD: Cinema

Traders

Another Film Board movie that's like a cheap Irish version of a famous Hollywood title. A man gets involved with an online competition where two people fight to the death and collect the cash winnings. The best thing here is the washed-out look while the worst part is the hand-held camera work. Like most of these films you won't care who gets killed or what happens. It tires you out and several sup-plots (the bank chasing the mortgage, the promotion at work) disappear. There's nothing Irish here either apart from accents and bus numbers. Like every Irish movie there's no set piece. Instead, lots of cuts and fast pacing but nothing worth remembering. A one-idea story that can't sustain interest for feature length.

Title: Traders
Genre: Drama
New/old: New
Cinema/DVD: Cinema

Truth commissioner

Another Northern Ireland political thriller done in a bland TV style. Lots of night shots of white-lines in the road, wordy script, dull direction, faces you see in other movies but don't remember, tense atmosphere that tires, same tone in each scene, and a story you won't care about. A murder of a teenager decades back gets uncovered at a trial. Only the explosion at the end makes you take notice. The rest is unoriginal rubbish that you'd see in a Cold War thriller from the 1960s. For example, the main guy meets an attractive, younger woman in a hotel, buys her a drink, and the next scene they are in bed. Then it's revealed that photographs were taken of the encounter. What a shock that was. Never did I expect he was being set up! From the director of the truly awful Eden - that's all you need to know about this picture's quality/originality.

Title: The truth commissioner
Genre: Troubles
New/old: New
Cinema/DVD: Cinema

Rooney

Enjoyable black and white movie from the 1950s about a council worker lodging in Rathmines. He meets a variety of women residents (similar to the recent Brooklyn) and falls for the unpopular one. Lots of good scenery around the city: Temple Bar; the Quays, O'Connell St, and that strange church in the middle of the road in Dublin 6. Lots of familiar faces for anyone who watches these movies including Eddie Byrne (from Star wars). A bit dialogue heavy and script based, it has its moments, but many scenes are repetitive. It's too smug for its own good and doesn't reach the heights of the similar great Ealing films. Everyone is polite too even when arguing, which appears strange. A good hurling game at the end which you won't see in too many other Irish films. Far better than 95% of the rubbish our Film Board has funded but predictably forgotten, ignored and little-known. If you see this DVD in the shops buy it for Xmas!

Title: Rooney
Genre: Romcom
New/old: Old
Cinema/DVD: DVD

The good, the average, and the rubbish of 2015

Another mixed year for Irish-themed cinema. A dozen releases but few made much of a success critically or commercially. A small number got vanity releases outside Dublin but made no impact. Here's a run down of the ones this blog sat through.

Good
Brooklyn - well directed yet everyone used the writer's name when describing this movie.
Monged - on release for a week (or weekend) this is a good drugs movie about three different lads. Nothing new but memorable.
You're ugly too - this year's movie about a mismatched pair in a strange location. Low-key but it worked.
Patrick's day - easily the best Irish release of the year. A mother messes up her son.

Average
Hallow - most of the better Irish horror movies seem to get ignored. Maybe because they're British-made?
Hit producer - first rule in film school, don't try and copy Hollywood movies as they'll always look like the cheap castoffs they are.
Pursuit - another action movie, using an Irish legend it's worth a look but tiresome to sit through.
Glassland - told from the view of the son looking after his alcoholic mother. Nothing new but worth a look.

Rubbish
Christmas star - an Irish Xmas movie that got no mention in our media. Says all you need to know about its quality.
Legend of Longwood - if a gender film quota gets introduced here this is the kind of crap that will get made more often.
Get up and go - apt title as you will want to walk out of the cinema during this tedious rubbish.
I used to live here - same setting as Glassland. Social realism without that nasty intelligence or actually saying something.

Christmas star

It's Legend of Longwood again! Aimed at kids but has a confusing story, bad direction, ugly cast, scenes that don't cut together, well made but below average, and everyone giving their best but this tires the audience. A Northern Irish man returns to his area from the USA. He tries to trick the locals into selling their globe factory so he can build a theme park. A little girl born on the 25th December who can perform small miracles tries to stop him. There's not much about Christmas here and the story is daft and contrived. Why does Brosnan phone from America yet the little girl has no mobile phone when her parents search for her? What's with the strange guy with no hand? Why is there a woman giving birth in a barn in the opening scene when it's supposed to be a movie for kids? Why do the two bad guys run away when the kids blow whistles? A lot of this stuff is too silly and doesn't make sense. It's like bits from other bad movies: for example when where the kids invade Stormont and it's on the telly we're shown scenes of outsiders watching on TV cheering them on. It's happy-clappy crap aimed at stupid people with nothing new to make it memorable.

Title: Christmas star
Genre: Kids
New/old: New
Cinema/DVD: Cinema

Brooklyn

Another year another Irish movie set in the 1950s. This one is about a young woman who moves from Wexford to New York, twice. Slight story but well made; it has several impressive and moving scenes. The problem (as usual with Irish cinema) is that it doesn't add anything to the story. It's rather bland and offers nothing new. The best scene was at the end when her former employer calls Ronan into the shop and informs her of what she knows. That's the best part because you're never really sure if she plans to return to America. The rest of the movie resembles most Hollywood nostalgic films from the 1980s: set in the middle of the 20th century; Coney Island beach; everyone well groomed in similar clothing and makeup; same extras in different scenes; a big deal made about the era but nothing that we didn't know or saw already. Ronan's character is so bland that she lets events happen to her and follows this path. Not as good as expected, very unoriginal, but one of the better home titles from this year.

Title: Brooklyn
Genre: Romance
New/old: New
Cinema/DVD: Cinema

Hallow

A British couple and their baby move to rural Ireland. The locals and police are unfriendly and there's a forest that no-one's allowed visit. The house they buy is falling apart and strange things happen. Like a lot of this stuff it's remarkably unoriginal but well made. Certainly better than most other Irish movies in this genre. Based on the changeling legend; it's quite scary in parts. Interesting point about how unfriendly everyone is to the couple. What's missing is a long extended set piece that all good horror movies use.

Title: The hallow
Genre: Horror
New/old: New
Cinema/DVD: Cinema