My name is Emily

Impressive movie about a woman travelling up the country to rescue her dad from a mental home. She teams up with a class friend and borrows a relative's old car. Like most Irish films it's rather bland but this movie is above average due to likeable characters, short-film techniques, music that suits, and a slight storyline. The first part is impressive due to the brief shots, then it slows for the car journey. It's like a short film expanded to feature length and we need more titles like this. Doesn't try to show off and the style suits the film. The ending is confusing and you'll eventually lose interest as the characters care more about what's going on than the audience but this is still a fine Irish film. The low-budget actually suits for a change.

Title: My name is Emily
Genre: Road
New/old: New
Cinema/DVD: Cinema

PREVIOUSLY AWARDED THIS EVENING

Stutterer wins. Eva again. Lenny wins. Incredible night. Let's carry on. Film is an independent art form, first to respond to disaster, advanced views. That was sh-te!

STANDARD GETS EVER HIGHER AND HIGHER!

Room wins, amazing Lenny.

ANDREW SCOTT

Female on film that's no TV - acting's better here. The director is there not her dad. And she's not having a curry!

AMY

Dram nominations, these are all sh-t. Where's the film titles? Western in Irish.

SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN DRAMA

Is this crap over yet? Five women nominated: this is more TV stuff. Where's the category for best Irish film blog? Sarah wins. To Joe the driver.

CEO OF IFTA

Congratulations to all winners, celebrating our industry. Skill, creativity, commitment, quality of work recognise more and more on a global level. Audiences must share this journey with the actors! Mickey D! Standing ovation. A bad poet but who cares? Liam Neeson, achievement and achievement. Bet they won't show a clip of when a kid touches his dick in The Good mother! He's bashful listening to that crap from Higgins. Gary Cooper, exactly. Or Randolph Scott. Been in some impressive films over the years. Please welcome, LN, twice the height of MDH.

VICTORIA

More awards: editing; sound; vfx.

CHARLIE MURPHY

More TV er drama nominations. The acting isn't great? Shocking and under no illusions.

CLIVE WHO?

These are all TV! It's Film and drama which means TV not stage. What is this crap? He says I,f,t,a! It's Ruth in blue, yum.

BRING BACK SIMON!

This IFTA is too fast, where are the awkward pauses, chattering guests, mistimed ad libs, and Brenda Fricker? How many people in the film industry are boycotting this crap? Orla Brady fine woman. This is TV stuff and are based on older movies. The guy from Patrick's day wins. It's Gay Byrne.

VAN THE MAN IS THERE!

Other awards: Klondike; Geist; Panti; costume; Miriam; Mom and me; script.

BOB

Boomtown Rats where rubbish, pub rock sh-te. Millions who had to leave. What about us taking in the blo-dy Syrians? Roma Downey wins. Bit of botox. Who are these people? This is TV? Lovely award?

ANOTHER AWARD?

Northern Irish screen. Missed that bit.

SUPPORTING ACTOR

Yes, Natalie Dormer! Callback Queen again. It's Jack. Didn't expect that. Neither did I! Make more Irish films.

SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Role for women. There's that knob from Moone boy. Olwen Flourraway? Callback Queen! Jane Brennan it is! John Crowlee?

HERE WE GO!

DOK! Doing the census. Cut to The Room. Reading for the granny, true. Tayto! No government, rent in Enniscorthy. et your dad to call me. Hosting the IFTAs! Awful woman! Whitest show, shit-st more like! Zero budgets. Most of those films are British! Liam Neeson, when's Lamb out on DVD? Saint Bob.

IFTAS 2016

That time of year, the world's most useless movie awards. Cut in duration by a third let's enjoy. Extraordinary year? Bob Geldof? Some guy with a flat nose. Eva, yum yum! Neeson, force to be reckoned with. Jack the Yank. It's the IFTAs!

Mammal

This is the kind of crap that will get made more often here once the Film Board's gender quota comes in! A middle-aged woman preys on a youth, invites him to stay in her home, and then takes advantage of him. Her own marriage is gone and her son has recently died. Set in some area slightly better than Glassland it's tedious to watch. Only one good scene: the cat attacks a baby. The rest of the movie has gay assaults, headbutts, cats mating, worn faces, nude swims, and people holding their breath under water. What's with these Aussie women starring in recent Irish movies? Who's next, Dame Edna? Contrived rubbish that's a big let down after the director's impressive debut. As bad as that other 'swimming pool' film Parked.

Title: Mammal
Genre: Drama
New/old: New
Cinema/DVD: Cinema