Saving the Titanic

Another movie! This one tells the story of the men below deck who gave their lives so as the ship would stay afloat for an extra 1½ hours. Lots of Irish actors (with English accents) and Cunningham narrates. It's about the engineers and coal men who worked to keep the fires burning. The coal they used was inferior and that contributed to explosions. There is little involvement with these characters and the movie is more interested in telling a little-known side of the tragedy. The Irish parts are at the end in Belfast. Other than that it's a routine TV movie that was better than expected but forgettable. You won't care about these men!

Title: Saving the Titanic
Genre: Disaster
New/old: New
Cinema/DVD: DVD

Calvary

Like a lame updating of Diary of a country priest this movie is mostly bad! A priest gets verbally and physically abused by his parishioners in Sligo. Most of the scenes have no connection to each other, there are lots of unnecessary parts, and none of the characters are likeable. Everyone appears a bit too sharp and it gets tedious seeing a nice man suffer! It's almost as subtle as Tiger's tail in criticising Irish society. Gleeson receives a death threat and decides to figure out who it was from. Of course, you will recognise who very early when you hear the different accents. Why does Gleeson's character keep interacting with these people when they don't like him? Gillen seems to be copying that eejit from Hardy Bucks? This is the kind of movie that gets good reviews but it's mostly awful and misguided. In a few years this church bashing past time will appear out of date, and so will this movie! Best scene was the walk with the little girl and her father then shouting at Gleeson.

Title: Calvary
Genre: Religion
New/old: New
Cinema/DVD: Cinema

Sea

Latest Film Board effort to hit our screens and normal service has resumed! Pained faces in close up, piano on the soundtrack, out-of-focus camerawork, 1950's era, respectable acting, miserable characters, dull lighting, and lots of lifeless tedium. A man revisits the South East of Ireland where he witnessed tragedy as a child. The movie cuts between these two stories. Nothing happens except boredom and verbal spats. In one scene the kids from the earlier era go to see a movie called Wicked lady. That was a scandalous picture of that era and no child would have been allowed to see it! So that scene didn't ring true. The rest of the movie was the usual respectable rubbish that soaks up State funding. Lifeless, stale, over-directed - just like the similar The eclipse.

Title: The sea
Genre: Drama
New/old: New
Cinema/DVD: Cinema

Mad dog Morgan

Another movie about an Irish outlaw. This one has Dennis Hopper on the run in Australia after robbing people at gunpoint in the outback. He gets arrested, sent to prison, is released after 6 years for good behaviour, teams up with an aborigine, and turns into a bandit. Sort of like Ned Kelly but less interesting. Hopper seems to be copying Richard Harris! The movie is fine and impressive - Australian cinema in the 1970s was superb. There are lots of good sequences and a splendid mixture of dialogue and violent scenes. It's very well paced and like Wake in fright is another forgotten classic from down under.

Title: Mad Dog Morgan
Genre: Emigration
New/old: Old
Cinema/DVD: DVD

NAMA NAMA NAMA

As if the recent IFTA awards didn't do enough damage to Irish cinema now the our National Assets Management Agency intends to close down The Factory. This is the place where three of our 'top' directors run a film collective: Kirsten Sheridan, Lance Daly, and John Carney. Like everything in Ireland the name is a copy from elsewhere - Andy Warhol's The factory in the 1960s. Even better, the product they produce is stuff like Dollhouse which no-one but this blog remembers. They held some recent competition where you submit a film idea and they fund it. Sort of like Catalyst but seems to have made no impact. If only Nama could do the same with the Irish Film Academy!

THAT JUST ABOUT WRAPS UP!

This sh-te for another year! Keeping watching Irish film he says, we would if they lasted more than ONE week in our cinemas! Amazing Irish movie? Never seen one! And it's good riddance from me! Oh look, more awards and Fitzgibbon wins one for TV! Hold on! The guy who collected the award for Best Film said its score was the best in twenty years yet The fall wins for Best Score?

BEST FILM!

Minister Jimmy! Yap, yap! Best picture: laugh at ourselves is right! Shush please! Calvary should win easily! And the winner is ...

BEST DIRECTOR!

De Sica, Bresson, Antonioni, Ophuls, Bergman, Corman! Sadly, this is for Irish directors so lets drop the quality 100-fold. What's with the presenters rubbing their fingers sideways? It's Meaney big ears! Like the suit! Here we go: Butler for The stag - NOT a good director, Jordan who has made more bad things than good, McDonagh (should win), Robinson for some sci-fi crap. Jordan wins! How many IFTA things has he got! Listen Jordan, if you didn't make so much crap people would have watched that movie! This guy can't make two decent films in a row!

THE IRISH FILM BOARD WORKS INCREDIBLY HARD!

To fund sh-te like these IFTA awards - bad sound, no script, dialogue that doesn't work, and terrible camera angles! It's the rising star award. Shoot the cabbage wins for its dedicated contribution to Irish cinema! It's Irons again? He's off his head! Talent and passion - which is not present much in this country! The director of The stag! That nutcase from Stalker! Another actor! The one who made New boy and took part in that crap selfie! Winner is the guy I haven't heard of. It's Chemical Brothers again - same track too!

GLENROE?

It's Eva again surely? What a sexy lady! Where's the earlier dress gone? Supporting actor. The stag again! Who wins and cares? Fassbender wins. That Eva is so much sexier than Amy. Lot of Irish in New Orleans! Amy again! Where's the film about Irish travellers keeping slaves?

BEST DRAMA SPONSORED BY VAI!

As opposed to 'best drama'. Drama is fast becoming zzzzzz........ Vikings, tales, dragons, kingdoms. 1950s Dublin zzzzzz. Nice dress foxy lady. This be for TV because they all look about as non-cinematic as is possible? Who will win and the winner is ... The fall. Great band! Except it's for something on the telly.

SUPPORTING ACTRESS!

Keep the noise down please! There's that crap from Daly. Amy shot number 136! Who will win and who cares? Sinead wins. Saw her sister in my local Fresh recently. Her hubbie takes it! Anyone still listening? No tie Mr Irons?

PART 4!

They're yapping again! Laura has a new dress and Simon looks taller? It's some Yank! Shhhhush! He doesn't look happy!

NOW FOR THE REST OF THIS RUBBISH!

Yes, they do actually sell carrots in some McDonalds! Now back to the tedium of watching our crap annual awards. So bad even Graham Cantwell can't get a nomination! Micky D finishes off his speech before going to England and wowing them by speaking their own language! He's a good speaker for a little man. The only intellectual in the building! Think he's slightly overrating Irish cinema though? They're standing - did I watch this bit last night?

IS THIS SH-TE OVER YET?

I'm going to McDonalds for some bags of carrots. Will review the rest of this crap another night!

ONE OF OUR OWN!

Outstanding contribution, it must be MDH? It's Amy again! What exactly did Higgins to for Irish Film? He set up IFB2 and TG4. So? What exactly did he do? This blog has done more to promote Irish film than that knob. His poem? He got outed as a bad poet just like Graham Cantwell got out as a bad director! Twenty years of what? That presidency is a woman's job anyway! Neil Jordan looks well. It's Jim Sheridan again. Saw him in town about 3 hours ago! It's Mel with a white beard! Friendly horses. Heard he went ballistic when someone ate the last burger! Here's the IFB back catalogue, well the usual ones anyway! Telling Irish stories, in English! Please stand for Micky D! Bet they had to lower the microphone! At least the audience will stop chattering! Amy winks while our Pres talks! Blame this guy for the IFB in Galway instead of Dublin! The Irish Movie Board more like! There's Sheila, Grainne's sister, yum! Innovative without boundary, artistically courageous, like The stag! Role of culture, founding block, effective cultural space, spiritual heart - does this guy actually watch Irish films? Like his poetry, it's a nonsense speech that doesn't really make sense!

TV3 SLAPPERS!

A good story! Short film! These are sh-t! Look there's a film of kids receiving communion. Never seen that before in an Irish short film! Cunningham, always laughs at me in town, must nut him the next time he does that! Could they not get more than 4 short nominations? Bet these lads announce a feature? Wow, proud, amazing, em, em, team, em, worked, amazing, eh, wonderful, honour, final, movie, Sligo town, thanked, finally, thanks to the IFB.

BEST FILM 4!

It's that guy from the Voice of Ireland. Vampire movies suck! The only good ones were Vampyr and Nosferatu.

BEST ACTRESS!

Loved the shot of some woman reading when Gleeson dedicated his award to an old teacher! Hughes, see her a lot in town, strange lady. McGrath from the awful Black ice. Ronan (again) who's not there! Thornton from that rubbish Life's a breeze. Her dad wins! His speech is impressive, better than the others! Amazing Neil Jordan, who's made more bad movies than good ones!

BEST ACTOR IN FILM!

Oh no! I know who it is! Deirdre O'Kane, what an awful woman! It's film not 'phillum'! Gleeson, Gleeson, Hinds, and Scott. Who will win and who cares? Tough to call as Deirdre says! It's BOD! It's Gleeson senior who wins! Everybody stands! Zzzzzzzzzz...

MY LEFT EYE!

Better than Ellen? Yeah right! It's Simon's eyeball! Best news! Is this sh-te over yet? Irish speakers! Tirelessly strive! I was inside Irish Nationwide as a customer, they were crap. Vincent Browne! Breach of trust! Some strange music getting used! RTÉ hangers on! People booed! Was that for her or for RTÉ?

SELFIE!

Where oh where did they get that idea? The unoriginality in Ireland is shocking. I blame all the Anglo-Irish leaving in the 1920s! Now we have people who can't do anything different or with class! A selfie, what a joke! He's a Yank, and one with a beard! There's the director who made the short New boy and got me indirectly banned from FMN.ie! Her feature looks like some bland Canadian movie set in Ireland that only appeals to foreign audiences?

WRAP UP!

Only another hour to go! Everyone's talking! It's yer wan Thomas. Her eyebrows look like carons! Moone boy beats Mrs Brown's boys! It's Ian Fitzgibbon! Ireland's worst film director (since Graham Cantwell left!). No one's listening in the audience! People are clapping Fitzgibbon!

BEST INTERNATIONAL!

I'm sure they really care about their IFTA! Multi something! Grainne 'my daddy was a guard so I'm great' Seoige! Looks a bit shook. Prefer the sister! Classics! True masterpieces! Listen Grainne, whatever movies you mention will be completely forgotten in 5 years time! Ground-breaking filmmaking I don't think so! Philomena, and there she is! Everyone's standing, for Steve Coogan, not! This blog considers it an Irish movie!

BEST SCRIPT!

It's that German guy who's not Michael Fassbender! He's not funny either! It's not easy writing a film script. Yes it is, it's not easy writing a good one! How did The stag get a nomination? Bet Calvary wins? Why only four nominations instead of five? He wins! What's with the strange election of walk on songs? Why does MacDonagh sound Australian?

BEST FILM 3!

TV3 lady! Man stands and gazes out to sea? This must be er The sea! Haunting tale astutely directed! What is this shi-e? Here we go again! Piano on the soundtrack! Looks rubbish!

SUPPORTING ACTRESS!

Nicer young fellow! Tie that tie! Who won? Another unknown! Bet Victoria is annoyed presenting when she didn't win! The winner didn't turn up!

ELEGANT!

Why is this woman popular? Looks like a man in drag! Another bleedin' doc category. There's Jim Sheridan, saw him today! These people have nothing original interesting to say on camera! They should have left and then Miriam could have said the winners have disappeared! Never meant to be told! I'm sure the families of those who've disappeared will be chuffed about this stupid award!

BEST FILM 2!

Good writing is in short supply! So are good Irish movies! Well that's the whole movie spoiled now that I know the story!

BEST TV ACTOR!

Finnoula Flanagan! Why couldn't Eva sway like that? TV, the graveyard of actors one the way up or on the way out! Who will win? The guy no-one's heard of! Mark E Smith should win for The Fall!

WHY?

Are they showing an image of the River Liffey and last year's venue before the ad breaks when the venue is now in a hotel off Leeson Street?

KIDS!

Moone boy? Don't have a telly to watch this stuff! Animation? These people are too normal! No wonder they make kids' cartoons!

TUBRIDY!

What a tosser. A 'self-confessed film buff'? Bet he is! Who directed Merchant of the four seasons then? One guess Turbridy ya complete tosser! What's this more docs? Summit tell me The summit will win! Wow it won! What's this? Chemical Brothers' music? I wouldn't applaud anyone who climbed a mountain and died! If they want to risk their lives and lose that's their fault.

BEST PICTURE 1!

It's the guy from Black ice who can't read! The stag is sh-te! Only in Ireland could it get a nomination!

IT'S JENNY!

Too thin for that dress! And that stupid microphone blocks out her cleavage! Best reality? Try living in Dublin City centre each day! Some stupid TV award for crap docs. Operation what? Cheek, none of these people are fat! She's an idiot in that red dress! Who watches this rubbish?

VICTORIA!

That microphone is blocking the view of her cleavage! Aiden Gillen, see him everywhere in town. These are all well-known actors. Why are they doing support? The guy from Stalker wins! Gone chubby, maybe he's a method actor?

STEVE COOGAN!

Spent his holidays in Ireland as a kid, same here! Female actors? Actresses? Eva is a stunner! Charlie is not! Mary Murray should be in a Pedigree Chum commercial! Deirdre O'Kane is the most annoying female actress in Ireland! Yes, the only decent looking woman wins! Currently reading old Film Ireland mags and there's a photo of Eva with an earlier IFTA award.

WHITBORE'S DRESS!

Should be worn by Delaney to make him look slimmer! First shot of Amy Huberman! Five hours left! Laura 'nice until she opens her gob' Whitmore trying to be funny. What happened to the opening short film sketch? Cream of Irish talent! Yeah right! Funny thing is Delaney is actually more handsome than Reynor. Shame he's so fat! Who are these nobodies? Amy Huberman, shot 2!

NO COUNTRY FOR OLD AHEM!

It's that time of year folks! The world's crappiest film awards! The 11th year of rubbish!