Thursday, 28 February 2013

VIRGIN COWBOYS' DIRECTOR RETURNS!

The lost Irish movie from a decade back Virgin cowboys still hasn't been released. However, its director has brought out a new magazine called Dublin's best (it sure is!). Only €2 there are some strange articles on serial killers and actor-turned-taxi-driver Tommy O'Neil.

Wednesday, 27 February 2013

Hardy Bucks movie

Another Irish TV show adapted for the big screen. A bunch of lads travel from the West to Euro 2012. This one is a road movie but it's not that good. Rather bland and like their van it stays in first gear. Nothing to spark any interest it's a futile waste of everyone's time. Where's the gross humour, the shocking scenes, the stuff that you can't believe just happened? Like most Irish movies there's too much emphasis here on telling a silly story rather than exploring characters or having a few outstanding scenes. Maybe if Ireland had won a game last summer the cast would appear a bit more interested?

Title: Hardy Bucks movie
Genre: Road comedy
New/old: New
Cinema/DVD: Cinema

Tuesday, 26 February 2013

€305!

That's how much a forgotten Irish film from the 1990s called Last bus home will now cost you on Amazon! I own a DVD of this movie and am open to offers!

Wednesday, 20 February 2013

IRISH MOVIES THAT DID IT FIRST?

This blog usually remarks that most Irish films are copies of other nation's work. But there are some Irish titles that seem to contain similar scenes present in some famous Hollywood movies - made later on! Sure, it's only a coincidence but worth noting.

Irish destiny
This silent movie has a war prison escape tunnel sequence that's similar to the one in The great escape.

Happy ever after
This David Niven film uses a funny car chase with mistaken idenity. Later in his career Niven appeared in similar scenes in the famous Pink panther.

Cry of the innocent
The finale of this Irish film has Taylor mud his face and put on an army uniform. Then he goes into the mountains and kills off a group of men chasing him. A few years after this movie the first Rambo film (First blood) got released with a similar idea.

Tuesday, 19 February 2013

FILM IRELAND LAST ISSUE!

The Irish magazine Film Ireland is over and out. After 144 issues it's no more. Can't recall ever buying it (€6 for only 56 pages!) but always had a read in the shops. Tony Kiely had some good articles and there were some good round-table talks with various directors. But the reviews were dated and they had too many articles on stupid short films and the latest digital cameras. I won a Film Ireland quiz a few years back but the prize was a crate of out of date beer!

SENIORS' SCREENING!

Dublin cinemas run a screening for seniors weekly. Seems to be aimed at pensioners but anyone can go. The best bit is it's only €3 and you get a free coffee/tea. This week they are showing Run for your wife. Worth checking out for anyone on a tight budget.

Monday, 18 February 2013

CORMAN DIRECTED 52 FEATURES IN 16 YEARS!

Forget Hitchcock the IFI should be holding a Roger Corman retrospective! The man made as many films but took only 1½ decades to do so. Most are out on DVD and are well known. Corman did Grabbers and 100 mornings back in the 1950s, he did the famous Poe films, started the hippie movies, and restarted the biker movie with Wild angels. So what's this got to do with an Irish film site? Well there is no way an Irish director could make as many films as Corman! Not even half the amount. Not even a quarter or a fifth! Despite the availability of HD video and the computer editing systems the Irish setup is designed to prevent filmmakers from producing a lot of work. Script rewrites, pre-production loans, funding applications, and of course needing to make a few short films when starting out. This all takes YEARS! How many features will the new directors of recent titles such as Eamon, Savage, Situations vacant, and Swansong have made a decade from now? Probably one or two more is the answer. The great man did work here back in the 1990s in Connemara but got badly treated and left. There is no place in Ireland for a Corman-type director!

Saturday, 16 February 2013

LATEST COUNTRY STATS!

Here are the top 10 countries who access this blog. Strange more people in Russia than Britain read Shoot the cabbage?

Ireland
United States
Russia
United Kingdom
Germany
Canada
France
Netherlands
Luxembourg
Ukraine

Wednesday, 13 February 2013

1½ MONTHS IN

To 2013 and there's no sign of any new Irish movies. The next one should be the Hardy bucks thing and should appeal to all those boggers outside of Dublin? An Irish National Lampoon's European vacation or Euro trip. Yet another original work of art from our Film Board but should do well commercially.

Tuesday, 12 February 2013

SH-TLOADS OF MORE AWARDS!

But now it's really over! The papers are complaining abut how crap it was but this blog expected that already. Over and out!

A FEW EXTRA AWARDS!

See David Caffrey won something. A decade ago he was a new talent in cinema. Now he's in TV.

FINAL AWARD!

Minister Jimmy! This must be for Best Film. He gets a lot more than 30 seconds. Wonder what film will win? Very tough decision. Smoke on the water? What Richard did wins. It was based on a book. Wonderful Lenny! Where's the Michael Winner in Irish cinema? Watch Irish films? Why not nominate the ones that got released last year instead of ones that aren't out yet?

BEST DIRECTOR?

Ian Fitzgibbon easily, without a doubt? What a talent! He even copied the analyst scene from Speed dating. The winner is Lenny Abrahamson. Top gear music? More jews with philosophy degrees should make films in Ireland! Easily the most talented of our film directors. The Bryan Forbes of Irish cinema (see a previous post)! Married to a Polish woman?

IS THIS SH-TE OVER YET?

Get those tools off the stage! Bit of Boomtown rats music. Best actress in film. Who? Ruth Bradley was in Alarm. Couldn't get worse after that! She wins too! But is not there.

ANTIBULLYING?

What about uncle bullying? There's that psychology gobshite who got bullied as a kid. Best reality programme? Hardy bucks? These guys have a movie coming out. Trying to be funny and failing. Lads you're in Dublin now not some sh-thole in the West. These are dumbed-down documentaries. How many awards do they have for these?

BUNCH OF TOSSERS!

Why are these people so normal? They should be working in a credit union! Best documentary series and it's that Kerry tosser! What a W.A.N.K.E.R.! Showing off his language skills! Who cares about these stupid documentaries?

EM, AH, EM, OH!

Great speech! Jennifer! She's like Bette Davis in Jezebel! None of the women in the audience seem to like her! What category is this? Who cares again and again! How come none of these great investivative programmes uncovered the horsemeat scandal?

ONLY ½ AN HOUR LEFT!

Victoria Smurfit said hello to me in Ranelagh a few years back. Thought she was English? Played an extra in The beach. Best actor? Usual faces more like. Another Love/hate win!

IS THIS SHI-E OVER YET?

RIP over the years. It's more music-lite orchestral crap that suits our cinema. David Kelly/Eugene Lambert/Hugh Leonard/TP McKenna/Brendan Caudwell/Gerry Ryan/Anna Manahan/Maureen Toal/Peter Caffrey/Maeve Binchy/Mick Lally/Michael Dwyer/Moira Hoey/Frank Deasy/Eamonn de Buitlear/Tom Murphy and others all missed.

SAOIRSE RONAN!

Is American but has an annoying Irish acccent! Like The Outcasts shirt, just got one of their CDs. Best actor in film? Yer man wins from What Richard did. I've seen him in older Irish films. Not a new talent. Hope he doesn't end up like the kid from Butcher boy - forgotten!

NEXT!

We have who and who? Ha, look at the state of yer man! Death of a superhero - it's the obligatory Ian Fitzgibbon nomination! That film was rubbish but because it's about cancer no-one can say this.

GET ON WITH IT!

This is crap. Thought they only had 30 seconds to talk? Script. Jimmy Nesbitt, another smug Nordie. He said 'piss'! What Richard did wins. Its writer is a Brit!

MORE LIKE IT!

Sexiest woman so far and they had to bring her over from England! Waht category is this? Who cares? Love/hate wins. Not the band the TV show.

Zzzzzzzzzzzz!

They're playing music by the forgotten band Something happens yet nothing is! Now it's Kathryn Thomas. What a plain Jane! Another Irish movie that isn't out yet. Looks good though Last bus home was a previous Irish punk movie.

ONLY ANOTHER HOUR TO GO!

It's the guy from Goldfish memory! Another TV category. Carrie Crowley? She was the Grainne Seoige of the 1990s. Probably too honest for RTÉ? These TV actors are terrible, well the directors are!

FINALLY SOME CLEAVAGE!

It's Amanda! Supporting boobs er actor. There's that ginger Gleeson tosser. Same old faces. He wins too! Anna Karenina? That's an old Garbo movie but who cares about that? The Gleeson one is so much better!

WHAT A HAIRCUT!

Here we go - What Richard did. There was a murder in Wicklow a few years back over a girl. That would have made a better film? Snap is 10 times a better film and didn't even get a nomination a few years back!

WHO?

Two more nobodies. At least she's a looker. These bland people haven't a clue about good films. Animation? Another genre that we're good at but other countries have done everything already. Film Board subsidised nonsense!

BEST SPORTS?

It's Dick Emery? Nope, Miriam O'Callaghan. What an ugly woman. We love our sport but we're not really that good at it. Just like our filmmaking! Who cares about this category? Best sport? Might as well have Best religious programme?

THE ORCHESTRA

Are playing some music. It's some 007 thing with some guy singing with a dodgy beard. Not a great voice either. Thought The voice of Ireland had finished the auditions? You know his voice isn't suited as most 007 songs were done by women! This is the kind of Ryan Tubridy crap that got popular here in the last few years. Andrew Strong - now he could sing these songs much better. This orchestra lacks the 'punch' of the original tunes. Really bland stuff but it is the IFTAs. I know him now - it's Jack L. Another tosser.

JASON BARRY!

Was in Titanic and even worse Chaos/Death games! What's this? That stupid IRA 'thriller' that we make every 5 years since about 1985.

BEST SHORT!

There's that Westlife tosser! Ireland will never make its reputation in cinema with short films. Still, it's keeps the people who can't make a feature in work. All technical but voiceless rubbish. Coming to a public library near you on DVD. No wonder our features are so bad when people start out with these crap short films. What with all the long dresses on these women? Quite fancy the tall one.

TOMMY TIERNAN!

Is an unfunny wanker! The extras from On the buses were funnier than this tool. What's with the scarf? Another TV award - who cares? Best entertainment? Surely 'most enertaining'? Brendan does not win.

WHERE'S BRENDA?

After criticising the IFTAs last year she must have been blacklisted? Good woman.

PILGRIM HILL WINS!

It's a young Colm Meaney? This guy had the best Irish feature in Galway last year. Wouldn't be difficult. €4500 to make the film and he still needed the IFB?

RISING STAR?

Hollywood's funniest actor? Jerry Lewis? Nope it's that guy who now says he's Scottish not Irish! JC Reilly. The only Hollywood star the IFTAs could get this year.

WHAT'S WITH THE BLACK?

On all the women? Doesn't suit a lot of them. Trying to be classy? What's this category? Irish language stuff. Here's Reservoir dogs. Men at lunch wins. Ireland will never become a force in cinema with documentaries especially Irish-language ones.

ROBERT SHEEHAN!

Introducing Grabbers! The kind of movie that would never get an award nomination outside of Ireland. But we need to scrape the barrell. Roger Corman did this movie 60 years ago but who cares?

Documentary award!

There's that ugly cow Blaithnaid! Neil Tobin is reading from a card! None of these documentaries are that good. The best Irish doc was Rocky road to Dublin and that certainly won no awards in Ireland! This is a bit dull! That guy didn't even shave! Even Blaithnaid shaved her face for this!

IT'S CAROLINE!

Dressed in black like that last woman. Now it's TV actors. There's Andrew Scott from Korea, now working in TV, sad. He wins too! Another rambling speech.

IT'S JIM SHERIDAN!

Best ever actors in Ireland? Don't think so! Some TV award for actress. Great, the only nominee I've never heard of wins! Looks a bit rough?

HORSE MEAT GAG!

Now we get to see all the smug heads from the audience. About ten celebrities in the entire audience!

MUSICAL SEQUENCE

Now he's singing some Debbie Harry/Iggy Pop song which was from in the film High society. Bet no-one in the audience knows that? Cool orchestra! It's the 10th Irish Film and Television Awards. Zzzzzzzz....

IFTAS 2013

Might as well watch this rubbish on the RTÉ website. It's Simon 'jowls' Delaney in some stupid sketch. Proof that acting nice overrules acting talent in this country. There's that dick Dylan McGrath - gave me a funny look in Ranelagh a few years back. Is this supposed to be funny? If they were really up to scratch they would have a horsemeat gag. Wish Liam Neeson would kill that fat Delaney tosser! There's Aidan Gillen with his 'poker up the arse' acting technique. That was hilarious - not!

Monday, 11 February 2013

IRISH FILM BOOKS: CINEMA OF SMALL NATIONS

Finally a book that recognises that Ireland cannot compete with the cinema of Britain, France, Italy, Germany, and USA. Divided into chapters (of which Ireland is just one) this book gives a brief overview of Irish films. Some good points: Michael Collins (the movie) did poor box office abroad; Ireland was the first country any American studio filmed abroad; Irish companies made feature films here in the silent era; John Huston moved here because he disagreed with the Hollywood blacklist system; when the second Film Board got set up it was the slick Cal that they wanted to copy and not stuff like Pigs; and Irish films tend to perform better at the box office on mainland Europe than in Britain. Didn't bother reading the rest though surprised our closest country Wales (who also uses two languages) got no mention?

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