GENDER QUOTAS WILL TURN OUR FILM BOARD INTO A LAUGHING STOCK

The IFB has launched a new funding scheme for writers and directors and only people without a penis may apply. The only thing ground breaking about this is its stupidity. The problem is lack of talent among our female filmmakers not sexism. The only impressive recent title made here by a woman was Snap and that didn't even get a DVD release. The rest were mostly dire: Dollhouse/48 angels/Death games/Goldfish memory and so on. Most talented Irish filmmakers don't need the IFB - the director of Cardboard gangsters would still be making features if our Film Board closed down. Now we can expect one awful film after another because its director is a woman. Bland, dull, PC, inoffensive, diluted, over-directed, stylish, glossy crap that will only appeal to feminists attending the Galway Fleadh. Can anyone in Ireland make their own feature without State assistance? There's nothing diverse about this scheme either - where are the Irish feature films by muslim/black/blind/Loyalist/underage/Plymouth Brethren directors? Films from these people would be more interesting than from some middle-class, 'oppressed', female film graduate.

Cardboard gangsters

Beyond the canals! Four new dealers in the Dublin suburb of Darndale cross paths with an established drugs gang. One of them gets involved with the rival leader's wife. From the first scene with them as the kids it's like a clichéd rap movie from the 1990s starring Gavin Kelty! Full of dimwits who don't learn from their actions and keep making silly decisions. You can see exactly what's going to happen: the rival leader's son getting off his bike hiding a hand in a pocket; Connors turning back at the airport. Some scenes are too brief and don't ring true: Connors pulls a gun on Smallhorne (director of the supberb 2by4), the ex-girlfriend agreeing after a few seconds to move over to Spain, where's Connors' bedroom-DJ system?, the pair of cops who look like they're in a different movie, the fourth gang member disappearing at the end, why didn't Smallhorne already know about Connors' supplier? Unlike most Irish titles it has energy and the fast pacing keeps you hooked. There's a lot going on here. The best parts are the short pauses in the story to show kids on motor bikes or an aeroplane in the sky.

Title: Cardboard gangsters
Genre: Crime
New/old: New
Cinema/DVD: Cinema

Sanctuary

Another contrived feel-good movie that celebrates diversity. With almost one in seven here having a disability it's about time we had something like this. Sadly, it's a dull effort with bad acting, dull pacing, ordinary settings, unfunny scenes (most which are too short), and little that stands out. A group of people with intellectual disabilities visit the cinema. Two creep off to a hotel room for sex, another pair leaves to find the first couple, while the supervisor tries to track everyone down. It's just not funny or even good. Only the condom scene stands out and the indie songs are also quite good. But the drab pacing kills the movie, it's not slow enough for observational comedy but not fast enough to keep the audience interested. Never kicks out of first gear. Surely it would have been funnier with a flustered woman in charge rather than a dull man? Set in December though not an Xmas movie.

Title: Sanctuary
Genre: Comedy
New/old: New
Cinema/DVD: Cinema

Halal daddy

Who says Irish cinema lacks intelligence! To celebrate our new Muslim community here's a movie set in Sligo about a slaughterhouse. It's the kind of effort that Damien O'Donnell might have directed 15 years back. Sadly, this one is badly made, unfunny, has stupid characters, uneven scenes, too many establishing shots, lots of crap indie songs on the soundtrack, and a story you won't care about. It's too slight and lame. The funny scenes aren't funny, the dramatic scenes aren't dramatic, the romance scenes aren't romantic. This is the kind of crap we have to look forward to with our new multicultural society. Like it was directed by a committee, a lot of it doesn't make sense - what's the chance of a Muslim from Bradford in England coming over here and dating a middle-class Irish girl? Even better, Deirdre "Take in as many refugees as possible and then decide how to deal with them" O'Kane is in it. It's stupid and offensive to intelligent viewers who don't share the PC outlook of the filmmakers. Yet another Irish movie explaining why not to visit crap towns in the West.

Title: Halal daddy
Genre: Comedy
New/old: New
Cinema/DVD: Cinema