Sunday, 15 April 2012

TEN IRISH MOVIES IT'S OK TO HATE!

Maybe not the worst made or the worst reviewed but here are ten Irish movies that Shoot the Cabbage cannot stand for various reasons:

Eden
This wretched TV movie got passed off as a cinema release and the festivals. The dullest characters ever in the dullest town in the midblands. Lots of stylish camera angles and colour schemes. Lots of crap dialogue: 'Oh Dad don't be going out'.

Irish Jam
Not made here but this is more Oirish than similar titles. Eddie Griffin wins an Irish pub and travels here to spit out a sample of Guinness. The theme song was quite good!

Daisy chain
The worst of the worst in Irish horror. Not one bit scary and completely silly. Sh*t film that's at the bottom of the pyramid in the 'esteemed' Irish horror genre.

Holy water
Viagra doesn't make you horney? But this movie thinks it is. Stupid story about the stolen tablets getting into a water supply and turning on the Irish natives.

Trouble with sex
One of the worst of the crummy Celtic Tiger films. Simulated sex scenes with crap sound effects! Even worse, any director who gets the lead actress to sing a Crowded House song should never be allowed make another movie. The bad news is that there's a new one soon!

Studs
A bunch of unfit lads run around a field and fight in the dressing rooms. Football movies always fail but that didn't stop the makers of this rubbish wasting over €1 million.

Pete's meteor
Contrived crap that could only get made back in the 1990s. Here's what I don't get: a meteor is up in the sky yet in the movie it's in Brenda Fricker's back garden. This is called a meteorite. So the title is wrong! You won't find this crap movie easily, for a reason!

Parked
New Irish cinema my hole! Lifeless crap that rips off other bad Irish films. Parked is made by people with no talent except for sucking funds out of our Film Board. Contrived, directed-by-committee rubbish!

Summer of the flying saucer
Of all the movies funded by the Film Board this one makes the jaw drop lower than any other! If you gave an amateur theatre group in some small town €10,000 and a VHS video camera they could make a better movie than this rubbish. Even better, it's one of our few science fiction titles which has set the bar!

Under the hawthorn tree
This DVD cost me €20 and I would have been better off buying scratch cards. Young Irish Filmmakers my arse! One of the worst pieces of crap I had the misfortune to sit through. Poxy famine movie with clean-cut kids running around and trying to act but failing.

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