She didn't say no!

Another lost Irish movie from the 1950s. This one is in colour and like most of these kind of films it's not too good. In the South East a woman has several kids from different men, her daughter tries to steal a role in a local movie, her young boy could be up for adoption, and there are lots of supporting characters to fill out the story. Script-based, poorly directed, dull to watch, but very funny in parts. It's a spoof movie based on a famous murder case where an innocent man got executed. It's pointless criticising these films due to their inaccuracies (how accurate was the Michael Collins movie?). What I didn't like was how bland the whole thing was, almost like a radio-play, nothing cinematic. There are far better Irish-themed titles from that decade that deserve to be better known. The late 1950s was when cinema (and theatre) got kick started to a higher level but this is like something a village-theatre group made together.

Title: She didn't say no!
Genre: Comedy drama
New/old: Old
Cinema/DVD: Cinema

Last light

Silly Nordie horror movie about a fat guy wandering through a derelict house with a torch. That's about it, nothing much happens, music is terrible, the two support actresses are ugly, and there are few scares. Washed out colours and dull to watch. The ending was daft and the whole film reeks of unoriginality.

Title: The last light
Genre: Horror
New/old: Old
Cinema/DVD: DVD

Get up and go

Another piece of sh-t from our Film Board. Two dull lads drive around Dublin while one decides it's his last day here before moving to Britain. Nothing interesting happens, none of the characters are likeable, the women look plain, the cinematography is poor, and the whole movie is just pointless. There's absolutely nothing to recommend and only one good scene where a girl punches another. I wish the whole cast would emigrate as they're the most boring and self-centred group to appear in an Irish movie. How did this rubbish receive funding? All the 'right' people involved as usual. It's complete crap, made by a talentless hack with absolutely nothing to say. Like someone put their mates into different areas of Dublin and filmed them badly while they made up their own dialogue. Seriously, how did this sh-te get into our cinemas? Various characters interact and fall for each other. None of the relationships appear genuine, characters arguing in empty streets. When Coonan tries to cash a cheque in the closed bank he goes to his old cinema to try and cash it instead of a cash convenience shop. The wannabe comedian never gets to do his routine.

Title: Get up and go
Genre: Romcom
New/old: New
Cinema/DVD: Cinema

How to be happy

Awful movie about a counsellor who has affairs with his clients' wives. This rubbish needed three directors and it shows. Most of the cast are the same age, too normal, blandly middle-class, appear clean, and the entire story makes little sense. Similar in tone to Situations vacant, where anything of interest e.g. the sex scenes occurs off-screen. Lots of bland guitar music on the soundtrack and of course, the usual establishing shots every few minutes. Easily one of the worst Irish movies in years, this is just laughable. So is Carrie Crowley, what an annoying woman. Even better, some cast from the equally bad Dick Dickman PI also appear. Let me guess: Filmbase only selects the blandest, most-unimaginative people do their Masters course?

Title: How to be happy
Genre: Romcom
New/old: Old
Cinema/DVD: DVD

I see a dark stranger

So much for acclaiming old black and white movies! This one is a let-down. Starts off in Ireland where a young girl wants to join the IRA but is 20 years late. Then she heads to England and becomes a spy for the Germans. There are silly sub plots and guesswork on which side of the Irish border they are in. Does make some good observations on how a talky Irish girl can get herself into trouble abroad. It's like a bad copy of an early Hitchcock thriller with too much dialogue. Another old Irish movie finally available on DVD but is a disappointment.

Title: I see a dark stranger
Genre: Spy
New/old: Old
Cinema/DVD: DVD

Glassland

There's something not right when average Irish films receive glowing reviews elsewhere. This one is like a cross between the far better Patrick's day and I used to live here. Strange that these recent titles are so alike? Not the first time our Film Board has funded similar features close together! A taxi driver cares for his alcoholic mother, in Tallaght. Nothing remotely interesting or worthwhile, dull cinematography (yes, I know that was the point!), disjointed scenes, poverty porn, characters you won't care about, and a 'tense scene' in XtraVision. All that was missing was a junkie character. One part I did like were the scenes with the overprotective and motherly neighbour. Also good was how some of the story occurred off screen with characters we never saw. Compared with The stag this movie is a minor masterpiece but adds nothing to social-realist cinema which we've seen over and over. Is any Irish director capable of doing something a bit different or will we always follow the beaten path laid down by other countries and just repeat with Irish accents/settings?

Title: Glassland
Genre: Social realism
New/old: New
Cinema/DVD: Cinema

Dublin nightmare

Would rather watch these old black and white movies than most sh-te our Film Board funds! This one is a B-picture from the 1950s about a robber who goes missing. His friend arrives to try and help the foreign girlfriend find out what happened after a van gets robbed across the border. Lots of empty street shots but most of the film is studio-based. Several actors look alike and it's at times confusing. There are some good scenes but most of it is too talky. A highlight is when the main guy (Sylvester from 2001) gets pushed into a canal. There's awful music on the soundtrack, like a plastic keyboard with the batteries running down. Strange the way these old movies make Dublin appear more interesting than recent titles can.

Title: Dublin nightmare
Genre: IRA
New/old: Old
Cinema/DVD: DVD

And then there were none

SPOILER ALERT! Another old movie that never gets mentioned in books on our cinema. Unlike those IFTA winners, director René Clair was a genuine talent. This movie is about an Irishman who visits an English island with several people and kills most of them! They have all murdered other people in the past. Not a horror movie as the deaths are off screen. Based on a stage play so is more of a 'whodunnit'. Other versions of this movie are available under another title (Ten little indians). Famous cast including Fitzgerald and Huston.

Title: And then there were none
Genre: Murder mystery
New/old: Old
Cinema/DVD: DVD

I used to live here

Awful film about a mother-less family in working-class South Dublin. Nausea-inducing camera work with the usual piano and 'Brian Eno music' on the soundtrack this is easily the worst Irish release of 2015. Full of silly continuity credits about which day is it (as this had any relevance?); it's about a young girl who struggles to cope with a loser boyfriend, unfaithful dad, and a strange friend. Lots of people are jumping off a local flyover too. There's one scene where she has to walk from the city centre out to Tallaght but the music on the soundtrack sounds like something off Schindler's list! About as subtle as a brick in the face this movie is just terrible. Full of close-ups of ugly people where we're supposed to care about their pathetic lives. The kind of movie where its film makers are far more involved in the story than the audience. Really aimed at teenagers but they'd be better off watching the similar but better Irish movie Jump.

Title: I used to live here
Genre: Social realism
New/old: New
Cinema/DVD: Cinema

Betrayal of trust

Another in the worst ever of Irish film genres: the church exposé. Like Conspiracy of silence this one has a crap title, soap-opera acting, bad lighting, bad camera work, awful music, and a general lameness where you know exactly what's going to happen in most scenes. A woman informs a family that a local Belfast priest is abusing the kids, the church tries to cover it up, the police get involved, a TV crew get involved, other people come forward, this priest escapes to the Republic, he then goes back to face trial, receives a lenient sentence, it's discovered that orders from decades earlier to keep him away from children were ignored, and then the end. Only the mother and the Dick Spring lookalike were any good. The rest of the movie is terrible. For some reason it's out on DVD where far better Irish titles are lost forever.

Title: Betrayal of trust
Genre: Religion
New/old: Old
Cinema/DVD: DVD

QUICK GUIDE TO ALL THOSE LEPRECHAUN MOVIES!

Leprechaun - the one with Jennifer Aniston

Leprechaun 2 - the romance one

Leprechaun 3 - in Las Vegas

Leprechaun in space - science fiction

Leprechaun in tha hood - rap version

Leprechaun back to tha hood - can't find this one on DVD, so not yet reviewed

Leprechaun origins - back in Ireland

Leprechaun's revenge - the one with the four green horseshoes!