Seaside stories

Another obscure feature from our Film Board's back catalogue; this one is terrible! Awful sound quality, camera work, acting, and story. It's a soap opera set in some crap West-coastal town. A woman gets involved with several local men, her daughter arrives from England, and her little boy has a secret. Everyone walks in the middle of the road, snorts cocaine(!), verbally abuses each other, visits the pub in the afternoon, and spy on each other. Thank fu-k I live in Dublin instead of some sh-thole like this place! Nothing to recommend about this movie except the decent music score (which thankfully uses no piano!). This is kind of crap that gets exclusively shown in that CineMobile and rural arts centres! So obscure, I couldn't find a poster image to put with this review! Love the way the IFB's website gives away this movie's entire story!

Title: Seaside stories
Genre: Drama
New/old: Old
Cinema/DVD: DVD

THE INTERNET HAS RUINED IRISH CINEMA!

What a statement! Yet there's some truth to it. We're on an island and should be isolated from other cultures but it's only a click away to see the cinema offerings from each continent. That's why most Irish cinema appears to be derivative of better foreign titles. Instead of coming up with our own style of cinema that's different to other countries we imitate - badly. Even acclaimed and successful directors like Lenny Abrahamson offer nothing new. It's conscious Euro arthouse that we've seen before but with Irish accents. Few of our directors stand out and the ones who do appear to have only one movie in them. The internet makes everything available and that's why people are so eager to copy rather than innovate. That's also why our filmmakers are absolutely obsessed with 'the look' of their films - stuff that's shallow and uninteresting but appears great. It's surface filmmaking and lacks the confidence for long takes or anything resembling life. There's a certain technical standard that Irish directors aspire to but audiences end up looking at the movie rather than watching it. That's why there are so many stupid horror and science fiction movies coming out of this country. Directors who have the technical skills but their minds are empty. Blame the internet people!

WHERE'S OUR FILM BOARD ASSESSMENT REPORT?

Dublin's Abbey theatre is in hot water over the release of a critical report on the quality of their recent productions! It's supposed to be a world-class playhouse but its productions were not! So let's ask Nostradamus what I'm now going to say! 1,2,3 ... where is the report on the Irish Film Board and the productions they support? What happened to John Carney's Rafters? Why do so many Film Board features have the exact same title? Why did Kirsten Sheridan receive funding whilst serving as a Board member? How many movies funded by the Board return profit? How much again did Perrier's bounty gross in the USA? Why do so many directors of features funded by the Board have foreign names? What happened to Five day shelter (yes, I know there should be a hyphen in that title!) and its director? Why have so many features funded by the Board over the years disappeared? Why has the Board not helped fund a new world-class director (Lenny Abrahamson is not in this category!). Why are so many Irish movies funded by the Board so substandard? Why are there the exact same actors in all of these movies? Why did Graham Cantwell have to emigrate? Actually, scrap the last point!

WENT TO SEE COLLIDER!

Jason Butler's debut feature (from FMN.ie), one of several recent science fiction efforts from Irish directors. This one is average; a group of mismatched people find themselves in a building and a time warp. Not terrible but rather forgettable.

THE GOOD, THE AVERAGE, AND THE RUBBISH OF 2013!

Another disappointing year for Irish cinema. Despite all the funding, film schools, festivals, and media support little of worth arrived.

THE GOOD
Good vibrations - Nordie music bio that worked.

Pilgrim Hill - impressive docu-drama about a lonely farmer. Even better it cost little to make. Talent shines through.

Philomena - enjoyable and moving movie about a woman's search for her lost son.

O'Briens - straight-to-DVD movie about a family gathering in the West of Ireland. Full of annoying characters but it still works.

THE AVERAGE
Earthbound - unusual sci-fi set in Dublin. Made no impact but worth a look.

Jump - rave movie set in Derry. Like a lot of Irish movies it arrives a decade late but is well made.

Belfast story - annual IRA movie. This one got ruined by lame direction but its script kept the story moving. Not as bad as the mainstream reviews.

In fear - this year's horror effort (Citadel wasn't Irish themed). Well-made with a small cast, effective though predictable.

THE RUBBISH
Hardy bucks - another Hollywood copy with Irish accents. Dire stuff.

King of the travellers - bad movie with a romance between two warring traveller families.

Life's a breeze - proof that Lance Daly is a minor talent. This is awful stuff. No-one cared about this family or their stupid mattress.

Black ice - Johnny Gogan's latest piece of drek. Boy racers along the border, in a fog!

Riders to the sea

For anyone who thinks music in Irish cinema stretches to The commitments and Once here's an opera! Made back in the 1980s by respected Louis Lentin it's based on the famous play. This isn't a static filmmaking of a live opera, it got made in a studio using pans, dissolves, and cuts. Short-TV feature which is difficult to follow as all dialogue gets sung. A woman laments the deaths of her children by the sea. Starts off with the writer working in a cottage. Impressive stuff and shows how dumbed down RTE has become since then.

Title: Riders to the sea
Genre: Opera
New/old: Old
Cinema/DVD: DVD

Last September

One of the best 'lost movies' funded by our Film Board. This is another IRA film set in Cork in the 1920s but here it focuses on a family living in a Big House. A young woman gets involved with both a British army officer and a rebel leading to tragedy. A splendid cast, stunning cinematography, interesting dialogue, and excellent direction this is one of the best Irish movies ever. What's impressive is that the characters take precedence over any action (which gets given brief treatment). It's an absolute disgrace that this movie has been forgotten. It never gets mentioned in books on Irish cinema either. The only bad thing I have to say is that it's similar to an older picture called The dawning.

Title: The last September
Genre: IRA
New/old: Old
Cinema/DVD: DVD (region 1)

Night to remember

The best Titanic movie! This one has a few early scenes set in Ireland and also follows a group of Irish emigrants who are stuck in 3rd class. They aren't allowed up on deck so try to escape. There's a dance scene where they sing about moving to Philadelphia and leaving Tipperary. The rest of the movie is impressive though the ship hits the iceberg after twenty minutes! It gets annoying seeing the cast wait their turn for the camera to reach them to speak a line. You can see too many influences here on the Cameron version.

Title: A night to remember
Genre: Disaster
New/old: Old
Cinema/DVD: DVD

In fear

Strange that the average Citadel received so much hype yet this superior horror movie crawls into our cinemas unnoticed? A pair of tourists drive off the beaten path, get lost, pick up a local man, and scary things happen. Good atmosphere, well-made, and has its moments. Best scene was when she opens the cat boot for the last time. It gets annoying when the guy's name gets said too many times though. Slow-moving and easily predictable it's still an impressive effort using only three actors. This is the kind of movie that won't be on the IFTA's nominations list next year but is better than most of the recent Irish-themed features.

Title: In fear
Genre: Horror
New/old: New
Cinema/DVD: Cinema

O'Briens

One of the better non-IFB digital features. Using the standard Hollywood blueprint of the family gathering a group of grown-up siblings arrive back in Galway to dad Tommy O'Neill's special news. One guy has a secret, another gets involved with two women, while the sister doesn't want another baby. Full of pretty but mismatched faces and dislikeable characters the movie impresses because it gets you to eventually like these people. The expected piano and indie bands on the soundtrack but this time it works! Not too many Irish movies show a Gaelic football match? Also good was the party in the local bar. However, some terrible camerawork where the backlight button gets permanently switched off? I wouldn't push that Kellie Blaise out of bed! Not heard much about this movie from the media but it's out on DVD.

Title: The O'Briens
Genre: Light drama
New/old: New
Cinema/DVD: DVD

Philomena

The best Irish-themed movie this year! It's about a woman who attempts to track down her lost son. What really stands out is the script: it's a mismatched buddy movie, an exposé of 1950's Ireland, problems with the Catholic faith, a condemnation of President Reagan's AIDs policy, a mystery story, and a road movie. So it works on many levels. Some of the dead ends get tedious but there are some great scenes including the one where Coogan finds the missing son online and the many home-movie clips of him. However, there are too many stops and starts in the plot and the arguments over publishing the story get tedious.

Title: Philomena
Genre: Dark drama
New/old: New
Cinema/DVD: Cinema