CEO OF IFTA

Congratulations to all winners, celebrating our industry. Skill, creativity, commitment, quality of work recognise more and more on a global level. Audiences must share this journey with the actors! Mickey D! Standing ovation. A bad poet but who cares? Liam Neeson, achievement and achievement. Bet they won't show a clip of when a kid touches his dick in The Good mother! He's bashful listening to that crap from Higgins. Gary Cooper, exactly. Or Randolph Scott. Been in some impressive films over the years. Please welcome, LN, twice the height of MDH.

VICTORIA

More awards: editing; sound; vfx.

CHARLIE MURPHY

More TV er drama nominations. The acting isn't great? Shocking and under no illusions.

CLIVE WHO?

These are all TV! It's Film and drama which means TV not stage. What is this crap? He says I,f,t,a! It's Ruth in blue, yum.

BRING BACK SIMON!

This IFTA is too fast, where are the awkward pauses, chattering guests, mistimed ad libs, and Brenda Fricker? How many people in the film industry are boycotting this crap? Orla Brady fine woman. This is TV stuff and are based on older movies. The guy from Patrick's day wins. It's Gay Byrne.

VAN THE MAN IS THERE!

Other awards: Klondike; Geist; Panti; costume; Miriam; Mom and me; script.

BOB

Boomtown Rats where rubbish, pub rock sh-te. Millions who had to leave. What about us taking in the blo-dy Syrians? Roma Downey wins. Bit of botox. Who are these people? This is TV? Lovely award?

ANOTHER AWARD?

Northern Irish screen. Missed that bit.

SUPPORTING ACTOR

Yes, Natalie Dormer! Callback Queen again. It's Jack. Didn't expect that. Neither did I! Make more Irish films.

SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Role for women. There's that knob from Moone boy. Olwen Flourraway? Callback Queen! Jane Brennan it is! John Crowlee?

HERE WE GO!

DOK! Doing the census. Cut to The Room. Reading for the granny, true. Tayto! No government, rent in Enniscorthy. et your dad to call me. Hosting the IFTAs! Awful woman! Whitest show, shit-st more like! Zero budgets. Most of those films are British! Liam Neeson, when's Lamb out on DVD? Saint Bob.