AMY

Dram nominations, these are all sh-t. Where's the film titles? Western in Irish.

SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN DRAMA

Is this crap over yet? Five women nominated: this is more TV stuff. Where's the category for best Irish film blog? Sarah wins. To Joe the driver.

CEO OF IFTA

Congratulations to all winners, celebrating our industry. Skill, creativity, commitment, quality of work recognise more and more on a global level. Audiences must share this journey with the actors! Mickey D! Standing ovation. A bad poet but who cares? Liam Neeson, achievement and achievement. Bet they won't show a clip of when a kid touches his dick in The Good mother! He's bashful listening to that crap from Higgins. Gary Cooper, exactly. Or Randolph Scott. Been in some impressive films over the years. Please welcome, LN, twice the height of MDH.

VICTORIA

More awards: editing; sound; vfx.

CHARLIE MURPHY

More TV er drama nominations. The acting isn't great? Shocking and under no illusions.

CLIVE WHO?

These are all TV! It's Film and drama which means TV not stage. What is this crap? He says I,f,t,a! It's Ruth in blue, yum.

BRING BACK SIMON!

This IFTA is too fast, where are the awkward pauses, chattering guests, mistimed ad libs, and Brenda Fricker? How many people in the film industry are boycotting this crap? Orla Brady fine woman. This is TV stuff and are based on older movies. The guy from Patrick's day wins. It's Gay Byrne.

VAN THE MAN IS THERE!

Other awards: Klondike; Geist; Panti; costume; Miriam; Mom and me; script.

BOB

Boomtown Rats where rubbish, pub rock sh-te. Millions who had to leave. What about us taking in the blo-dy Syrians? Roma Downey wins. Bit of botox. Who are these people? This is TV? Lovely award?

ANOTHER AWARD?

Northern Irish screen. Missed that bit.

SUPPORTING ACTOR

Yes, Natalie Dormer! Callback Queen again. It's Jack. Didn't expect that. Neither did I! Make more Irish films.