WHAT A BORING SHOW!

So on to Part 3! Next award, actress. What's that blue light beside Delaney? Now here's a real movie star: Armande Assante, have a few of his movies on DVD. Looks a bit shook? Quite fancy Marcella, but here's Saoirse so that's that! Yep, same old crap, how many of these belldin' awards will she win? Not there! Probably got fed up with this crap. Her dad accepts the award for her. That blue light?

FINALLY SHE'S FINISHED!

So is our greatest poet. Now for Part 3! Other awards: writer in TV, supporting actor TV, director in TV (Caffrey has gone grey!), factual, kids, documentary (again!), and actor TV.

GET OFF FINNOULA!

She's thanking everyone and boring me! Off the stage Finnoula! Zzzzzzz...

TAKE A BOW FINNOULA!

Her 30 seconds are up! But she's still not speaking English. Seems to be more of a TV actress than a movie one, according to IMDB?

IT'S HIGGINS!

Our greatest living poet! He's talking Irish, and describing our films as creative. Is he standing on a box to reach that podium? It's all bullshit, he's looking around the room. There are no artists in Irish film. Maybe in the experimental stuff but not there tonight. What a deluded man! Is he going to recite one of his poems? Nope, it's Finnoula Flanagan! Bet he won't list that Hollywood movie where she removed her dentures and gave oral sex to some guy in a Jim Carrey movie! It's The Cult, love that song. She was a fine-looking woman in her day. They showing clips from the 'lost' Some mother's son. YES! They DID show that oral sex scene with Jim Carrey, fair play!

SHORT FILM!

It's U2! Now for the Short Film category, Hate these, will anyone watch an Irish short film in 50 years time like they watch Laurel and Hardy short films? Nope! These are all sh*te, think I've seen Foxes. Nope that was an Irish feature ALSO called Foxes. Where are the Oscar-nominated ones, not good enough for the IFTAs? That Foxes wins with tha band who sing Celebrate. That little guy, he's thanking the IFB! Looking forward to the feature, but don't rip off another title used already! Yep, he's just announced a feature.

BEST ACTOR!

Is this Desperate Housewife really his cousin? What a voice! Awful! Supporting, that Cunningham hack, can't act for toffee. Gleeson again, he can't win every year, Hinds too, have we any new faces, Chris O'Dowd from that Bridesmaids. The wiinnnnerrrr is O'Dowd. The women in the audience are wetting themselves with laughter. Must grow a beard!

WHAT'S THIS?

Riverdance crap rap! They're taking a bow and it looks like Diversity the dance troupe? That rap tune is crap too. Short and sh*t. Now Delaney's back with those jowls.

WHAT NEXT!

It's Ash and Huberman. Now for one I have not seen yet and it looks sh*te. Twenty years ago O'Sullivan made December Bride and now this crap. Another Ealing studios rip off? Stella days and it's got nothing to do with Harold's cross!

BEST CURRENT AFFAIRS!

That's a nice dress! This is more like it! Like the way her moves show off that cleavage! Now they're showing the stupid nominee programs. Some care scandal wins. Zzzz! First song of the night I don't recognise. These people are too normal to make good stuff!

NOW FOR PART 2!

Yes we can! Now he's mocking the Film Board, good stuff. It's Mrs Brown with a canary dickie! The only genuinely talented person on that stage tonight! He's making fun of Miriam too! Series or serious documentary? Looks even worse than the last one! More boring. So who or what wins? It's Waterways and they're playing Phil Lynott.