DELANEY AGAIN!

He said 'our industry greats'! We don't have a film industry. Now the bleedin' computer has packed in. Need to restart!

LEAD ROLE IN TV!

The stunning! This looks rubbish! Nominees, best actress on TV; thought we had this award already? TV acting is sh*te, how can they give awards for this. Aisling O'Sullivan is one messed up lady, in a sexy way! It goes to Ruth Negga, who looks as Irish as ... Her accent is too posh too! She was in Trafficked, that was a terrible film. She's doing more talking on that stage than she did in that entire movie!

THAT'S NO MCDONAGH!

That Roscommon actor is taking the piss big time! All the women ni the audience are roaring with laughter at his antics. Girls, we know you fancy a man from laughing at his humour. Just don't make it so obvious?

IFB RISING STAR!

That's some award, it's Colm Meaney junior! McDonagh wins for The guard. Boring!

MARTIN MCCANN!

From Killing Bono! Now he's explaining The guard. It's the trailer! Gleeson looks pleased.

IT'S MIRIAM!

Am I the only Irish male who does not find this woman attractive? She's saying 'talented filmmakers'. It's documentary time, hate these things. Truimph of the will, now that was a real doc. Some Troubles doc wins, yawn and they're playing music from The corrs! It's Cruella DeVille from 101 dalmations! Now she's reciting some crap poetry from our President, Higgins!

BEST DRAMA!

Now he's doing a Ricky Gervais and plugging his DVDs. Charlene McKenna is on and she looks about 15. TV drama is rubbish and only for failures in cinema e.g. David Caffrey. This one looks good though. The others, nah. All over-directed and pretentious. So who wins? Yeaaaaahhh, Love/hate. Used to be a metal band in the 1990s but now a crap Irish TV crime show.

THERE'S THE GUY FROM COWBOYS AND ANGELS!

Some actress award, same old faces, must be for TV as it's looks rubbish. Ruth Negga. So who wins? It goes to someone I've never heard of (with a big pair of knockers). They're playing music by Something happens, they were sh*te too.

NOW HE'S MENTIONING SHORT FILMS!

More jokes, this time about Westlife. Genuine hit film he say. Not 'films'! There's Gleeson with a beard, doesn't work.

BORED WITH THIS NOW!

That was The confused, some kind of mock horror. Now here's Delaney again, fat pr*ck. Being Irish he says. There's Brenda still scowling, Finnoula, Brendan, and BOD? What is he doing there? Michael D is here too, hope he's not asked to recite his poetry! Our very own Michael Fassbender, he's German?

LOTS OF BAD WEATHER!

Some kind of spoof intro trailer and looks as bad as expected. There's Simon Delaney and blood on walls. Wasn't Huberman in a crap Irish horror movie already called Legend of the bog where she got her head removed? Hate those black and white things that are in colour! Is this supposed to be funny? What's with that Yank voiceover accent? Lots of special effects but still rubbish.