TEN REASONS WHY PARKED SUCKED!

If there's one recent Irish movie that p-ssed Shoot the cabbage off it's Parked. Here are ten reasons why:

No story - there's nothing in this movie except a few characters who meets and part. STC loves films where nothing happens but Parked isn't that kind of movie.

Hand-held camera - anyone who decides to see Parked then don't do what I did and have a nice meal of egg and chips a few minutes beforehand. A packet of travel tablets would be useful as there's a lot of pointless hand-held camerawork.

Miscasting - it wouldn't be an Irish movie without the same faces from the last Irish movie. There's Michael McElhatton as another Rats character but this time wearing a suit. Oh look, there's David Wilmot as some kind of miscast social charity worker. Give their agents an honary IFTA award!

Music - sh-t Erik Satie-type piano music all the way through the movie. One or two scenes maybe but not every one!

Establishing shots - what is it with cheaply-made Irish movies and establishing shots? Oh look! There's another brief shot from an high angle of the car park. There's another shot of the sea, zzzzzzzz.

Unoriginality - the two chimneys from Adam and Paul, the dealer scene from er Adam and Paul, the hand-held camerawork in bad weather from The honeymooners, the dole office row from Swansong, the drive to the country from Trouble with sex, and so on. All that was missing was a traveller on a white horse arriving in that car park!

Swimming pool - lots of independent movies use the swimming pool in the same way that Parked did. Wide-shots followed by a guy stuggling to get into the water. Watch another Irish movie called Cherrybomb to see how this is done.

Slow pace - as in Eamon this is an empty movie that takes its time to bore the audience into looking for something that's not there!

Good reviews - most professional reviewers have been kind to Parked but don't believe the hype.

Riskless - like most Irish movies Parked is safe, bland, boring, and lifeless.