TEN 'MISTAKES' IRISH MOVIES MAKE OVER AND OVER!

Fed up hearing about the latest Irish feature film when you know it'll be crap? Fed up reading another three-star review in The Irish Times for the latest Irish Film Board title? Fed up reading the list of Best Film nominations at the IFTAs when they haven't been released yet? Read on and I'll tell you what's 'wrong' with Irish movies.

Well there is nothing actually wrong with Irish movies in the sense that they give people jobs. But apart from that the more you watch the more obvious the same problems appear again and again.

It's not a feature film it's a telefilm
You know what I mean? Think Middletown where it's all polished and overdone. We've all seen movies that jump to life because of the performances and originality. Well, most Irish movies are the opposite. Bland, safe, unoriginal, over-directed, and aimed at a TV audience.

Where's the director?
You know what I mean part two. We've all seen stuff that's polished but crap? Directed by a committee instead of a filmmaker. Directed by someone with too much technical know-how and not enough passion nor originality. You know, film-school folk who do it for a job.

Where's the originality?
You know what I mean part three? Let's make a movie that's 90% technically competent and 10% original. Let's do what other countries do? Let's make an Irish version of Shallow Grave/Zombies/gangsters/screwball comedies. You know - genre pictures that should really be left to Hollywood because they will alway make better stuff like this.

It's the script, the script, the script!
One of the biggest excuses in Irish cinema is that if only we could get a decent script! Well, Wide Open Spaces had a good script and it was still sh*te. There are too many Irish movies where the directors stick to the script. We've all seen this stuff: actors sitting infront of the camera reciting the dialogue as blandly as possible.

Let's do it a few years later!
You know this stuff? Movies coming out at the wrong time? Films like Headrush appearing years after other countries have moved on from these kind of pictures.

Do Irish directors actually watch movies?
There appears to be a lack of passion for other movies in Irish cinema. The sense that the people who make feature films here are more suited to television or theatre is a common problem. Then there's another problem of Irish filmmakers liking just mainstream stuff and copying this e.g. Anton ripped off In the name of the father/Shawshank Redemption/Bourne Ultimatum/lots of other mainstream stuff. At least Scorcese and Tarantino dug deep into the cinema vaults to find their influences!

We have 'stories' to tell!
Where did this crap come from? We're bleeding stories and all that rubbish. If we had stories to tell then we wouldn't be writing bad scripts and adapting Maeve Binchy novels! We're a nation of storytellers and all that rubbish! We're in the worst recession ever and yet crap like Zonad gets made. Sad, so sad!

A bland, conservative country makes bland, conservative films!
You only make what you see around you. If you live in a bland country you will make bland films. You know - horror films that are not horrific, screwball comedies that are not screwballsy, violent films that are not violent, thrillers which are not -you get the idea?

It's nice to be nice!
Irish movies are just too nice. While other countries of similar size make stuff like AntiChrist we make inoffensive films that try to appeal to a wide audience. You know - nothing intellectual, nor provocative. Nothing that will make you think or argue with your friends.

Not enough focus
No not the camera lens! I mean the filmmakers themselves. They don't concentrate on feature films. Rather they work in other areas such as shorts, theatre, television, and commercials. If that's what they want then fair enough but you can't expect good feature films from people who work on Podge and Rodge!