YOU REALLY KNOW YOU'RE WATCHING AN IRISH MOVIE WHEN ...

May have seen a few newspaper articles about the clichés in Irish cinema. Here is Shoot the Cabbage's definitive(!) guide on how to spot an Irish movie.

Woman rapes man
For such a small country it amazes me that I've seen three Irish movies where a woman forces sex on a man. (Disappearance of Finbar/Crushproof/Freeze Frame)

Shooting a cabbage
Maybe someone more scholary than I could anaylse the symbolism of this. If Peckinpah can shoot the head off a rattlesnake then what does shooting a cabbage mean? (How Harry became a tree/Anton)

Big tree on its own in an empty field
What's the significance of this? Does it represent the 'outsider' status of the film's character? A rather lame image to use? (This is my father/Eden)

Kids who just can't act
Irish directors should be locked in a cinema and made watch Truffaut's Pocket Money. Why? Because the cast consists mainly of young children and they can really act. In the sense that their performances are natural. But in the Emerald Isle it's the Billie Barry school of acting where the young actors think cinema is the same as the Xmas pantomime. How many Irish child actors went on to have successful acting careers as adults? (Pete's meteor/Mickeybo & me)

Where have we seen this before?
Right, you're watching a hyped Irish movie and it dawns on you: hang on I've seen this before. Yes, it's another version of an Irish movie from a few years back with a new title. If we ever get an Irish Film Regulator they could investigate this 'coincidence'.(H3,Silent Grace/True North,Ondine/Commitments,Last bus home)

It's an Irish version of a British movie!
For some reason British lads' movies are popular to get remade the Irish way. Don't know why as they're all rubbish. Aimed at a male twenty-something audience these films have the 'fail' stamp as soon as they're announced. (Headrush/Dead bodies/Wide open spaces)

Jaw-droppingly bad!
Most countries have some sort of filtering system to stop really bad movies from getting made. But in Ireland if you're a respectable director or have good connections in the 'industry' then you too can get the opportunity to make SH*TE!
(Alarm/Summer of the flying saucer/Trouble with sex/Speed dating)

It's filmed with a video camera but is made to look like a Hollywood blockbuster!
Right part two! We've seen those Dogma 95 films but the camerawork was all over the place! So let 'improve' on this and use the camcorder as if it was a huge 35mm Mitchell cine camera! Let's concentrate on the look of the film as we all know good films need great visuals for the audience to admire! (Goldfish memory/Anton/Dead bodies)

Zero intellectual ability!
Is the film aimed at a Late Late Show audience? Is the film aimed at the kind of people who visit a cinema once a year? Does the director have absolutely nothing to say. Or if he/she does is he/she afraid to say it? If the answer is yes then you could very well be watching an Irish movie! (all of the above examples!)

It's directed by a 'respectable' Irish filmmaker
These movies usually have 'A film by' credit from the director who has made his (or her) name from making an award-winning short (in black and white) about two traveller kids (one with a disability, the other is from Asia but speaks fluent Irish) as they view the over-scripted world from a childlike innocence surrounded by nasty adults who sell drugs and are cruel to horses. With these people you cannot criticise their work because of the 'respectablility' attached. Even on other Irish film sites they are untouchable. They really are the new naked emperors!

The music score is like something from that Old Spice TV commercial!
Right part three! You're watching the movie and nothing much is happening. The local priest is arguing with the publican for opening on a Sunday. But you can't understand the point of the scene because there is loud orchestal music on the soundtrack that deafens the actors' dialogue and make you think that the DVD has skipped onto Conan the Barbarian! Is there some music course available for scoring Irish films that teaches that the louder and more over the top the sounds are the better? Whatever the reason it sucks big time. (Winter's end/Anton/Middletown)