TEN USELESS IRISH FILM DIRECTORS!

Here at Shoot the Cabbage what needs to be said gets said! There are too much politeness and niceness in Irish cinema and this is not a good thing! Too much blackslapping and acclaim for people who make feature films that stink! So if you decide to buy or rent an Irish movie read this article first and then look at the DVD cover so you will be forewarned about the film's true quality!

Before the names get named it's important to give new Irish filmmakers a chance. For example the film Anton was terrible but it was the director's debut. It would be unfair to include his name on the list for just one movie. Also, why exclude hacks like Paddy Breathnach? Because he's one of the few commercially successful Irish directors. So as they used to say on the Irish Eurovision song contest - 'here we go' - who are the ten most useless Irish film directors?

Mary McGuckian
Chances you've never heard of her. However she's made several feature films. Don't bother checking the titles as you won't have seen any. One example was Best, a bio of the famous footballer. Imagine a football movie directed by a woman! Another dreadful title was Rag Tale. This was the most unwatchable piece of sh*te ever. The reason was because it used hand-held camerawork and zooming. So much that you would need to swallow a travel pill to sit through this junk. Heard a story that when this movie was screened at a festival McGuckian asked the audience to please not leave during the first fifteen minutes!

Fintan Conolly
This is the guy who directed Trouble With Sex. The movie title that actually answered itself on the DVD cover. It was because 'you could fall in love'! What a stupid answer. Stupid because it revealed the intriguing title before the audience actually watched the movie. Stupid because it was a dumb answer. The real 'trouble with sex' is that you'll have to look at her first thing in the morning when all her make up has been removed. Then you'll find out she's given you an STD and is pregnant with your child. Then you have the next 18 years of maintenance to look forward to. That is the real 'trouble with sex'. Another movie he directed was Flick. This was about a drugs dealer getting hassle from the cops. It was sh*te too.

Kirsten Sheridan
One of our more 'respectable' directors. Strange that she's only made two features? Must be too busy swindling the Film Board out of funds for future projects? If she can get away with it fair play. At least she won't use the money to make another Disco Pigs or August Rush!

Martin Duffy
I actually thought this director was alright until Summer of the Flying Saucer came out. Without a doubt the worst Irish movie in years. It's just dreadful. He made a few earlier features including the successful Boy from Mercury but his reputation is tarnished now.

Liam O Mochain
This guy directed W.C. a really bad feature filmed on video. Another one he did was The Book that Wrote Itself. That was the one where he interviewed famous Hollywood actors at a festival and put them in the movie! He appeared in both movies in the lead roles - actually a good actor.

Stephen Bradley
This is the guy who directed Boy Eats Girl - a horror movie made by people with zero interest in the genre. Another film he made was Sweety Barrett - so bad it's not out on DVD.

Gerard Stembridge
Is there a training course for people who want to learn how to spoof their way into filmmaking? Because Stembridge should be teaching it! Not only did he make Guiltrip -a rubbish domestic movie set in the mid-blands but he also made one of the first Celtic Tiger films called About Adam. If that was bad he then tried to copy the 10,000% more talented Polanski with his Repulsion 'homage' Alarm.

Conor McPherson
That is not a typo. I know his new film won an IFTA but so what? That was a TV movie. Anyone seen Saltwater? I have - there's a scene where a guy in UCD pukes fruit juice during a lecture. That's what I wanted to do after watching this movie! Then there was The Actors. Yet another Irish movie where the actors played it for laughs thinking the audience would have as much fun watching this rubbish as they had playing their roles. Look, just because he's a respectable playwright does not mean he'll become a good filmmaker. Only in Ireland would this kind of thinking be allowed!

David Gleeson
I actually thought I'd have trouble recalling enough Irish directors to fill this list but nope! Gleeson is responsible for two of the most wretched Irish movies in recent years. The first one was called Cowboys and Angels. It was another stupid Celtic Tiger movie - fashion shows, bars, drugs, that kind of thing. There was one scene where the director informs us on the DVD commentary that they switched the camera off and then back on to get the 'glow' effect for an establishing night shot of Limerick city. For fu*k's sake - what a pile of crap. Is that all the innovation they could come up with? Then there was even worse - The Front Line. No, not a movie about Pat Kenny getting grilled over his salary by an angry member of the audience. This movie was about a man from the Congo (I know there are two Congo countries but just can't recall which one he was from). He works in a bank as a security guard. The gangsters get him to help with a robbery. The police investigate. Except now we know that the real robbery was done by the bankers not the working-class scum in this movie! It was crap.

Ian Fitzgibbon
Perrier's bounty, A Film with me in it, Spin the bottle - shi*e, shi*e, and shi*e. All derivative rubbish. Third-rate, straight-to-DVD crap that somehow gets a theatrical release here. This guy makes the kind of films that end up being given away free with a Sunday newspaper. Having the right connections in the 'industry' will go a long way, eh?