Betrayal of trust

Another in the worst ever of Irish film genres: the church exposé. Like Conspiracy of silence this one has a crap title, soap-opera acting, bad lighting, bad camera work, awful music, and a general lameness where you know exactly what's going to happen in most scenes. A woman informs a family that a local Belfast priest is abusing the kids, the church tries to cover it up, the police get involved, a TV crew get involved, other people come forward, this priest escapes to the Republic, he then goes back to face trial, receives a lenient sentence, it's discovered that orders from decades earlier to keep him away from children were ignored, and then the end. Only the mother and the Dick Spring lookalike were any good. The rest of the movie is terrible. For some reason it's out on DVD where far better Irish titles are lost forever.

Title: Betrayal of trust
Genre: Religion
New/old: Old
Cinema/DVD: DVD

QUICK GUIDE TO ALL THOSE LEPRECHAUN MOVIES!

Leprechaun - the one with Jennifer Aniston

Leprechaun 2 - the romance one

Leprechaun 3 - in Las Vegas

Leprechaun in space - science fiction

Leprechaun in tha hood - rap version

Leprechaun back to tha hood - can't find this one on DVD, so not yet reviewed

Leprechaun origins - back in Ireland

Leprechaun's revenge - the one with the four green horseshoes!

Yank

Another year, another Irish-American release. This one has a wedding party visit the old country and travel from Dublin to Clare. The best man and chief bridesmaid don't get along but you'll never guess what happens by the end of the movie? Much humour from how the Americans adjust to Ireland: the weather, breakfast, roads, pubs, etc. The script is good but nothing else is, including dreadful camera work and direction. Many scenes have characters appear out of nowhere and step into shot. Some funny stuff include watching the football game from 1994 and the cranky landlady. Strictly straight-to-DVD material but worth a look.

Title: The yank
Genre: Road
New/old: New
Cinema/DVD: DVD

Patrick's day

First Irish release this year and it's worth a look. A mentally-ill man meets a suicidal woman but his mother tries to get rid of her. It's well made and the story is moving but like the director's previous effort none of the characters are likeable. Goes on too long but has to be admired for the execution and subject matter. Nothing new though, these mental illness-romance movies were done back in the 1960s (David and Lisa, Lilith). Definitely the top FIS title so far; best Irish movie since Snap.

Title: Patrick's day
Genre: Drama
New/old: New
Cinema/DVD: Cinema

Leprechaun origins

Another one! This is set in Ireland where four tourists visit and get sacrificed to a little monster. They escape and go on the run trying to survive. It's mostly set at night, is fast paced, but isn't scary at all. There's one good scene where they accidentally kill one of their own. This monster appears different to the others in the series, more deformed. The story involves a mine that has gold extracted and the leprechaun wants it back.

Title: Leprechaun origins
Genre: Horror
New/old: New
Cinema/DVD: DVD

SAVE OUR IFTAS!

It's the biggest crisis in Irish cinema since Kirsten Sheridan ceased being a member of our Film Board! Not only has RTÉ refused funding for this year's event but now the IFB is also considering the same. This is a total disgrace! What other organisation would nominate masterpieces like Shrooms and Trouble with sex? What will we do without these IFTAs? This event fills about three pages on this blog alone. Where else can Amy Huberman stand behind our President and wink at someone off-screen? Where else can Saoirse Ronan's dad say "she's having a curry"? The IFTAs do the exact same as most Irish movies do: bad camera work, terrible sound, bad dialogue, and ugly women. That Nordie short that got an Oscar nomination today: you can be damn sure that it would NEVER have received an IFTA nomination. Because the IFTAs doesn't worry about silly stuff like quality. For the sake of Irish cinema please save our IFTAs!

The good, the average, and the rubbish of 2014

Probably the weakest year so far this decade for Irish cinema releases. Some titles got screened exclusively outside of Dublin but made little impact. Here's a rundown of what I saw:

GOOD
Noble - impressive biopic that didn't do as well as it should have.

Food guide to love - another release that no-one noticed. Set in Dublin it eventually ran out of steam but is enjoyable enough.

AVERAGE
Guarantee - political horror about the banking collapse.

What if - OK romcom with a bit of intelligence, partly set in Dublin.

Jimmy's hall - small-scale movie about a man hounded out of Ireland

Songs for Amy - how many Irish romance movies got released this year? Set in Galway, this is one of the better ones.

RUBBISH
Standby - join-the-dots romcom with (mostly) Irish accents.

Out of here - middle-class rubbish about an art-school drop out. As dull as it sounds.

'71 - straight-to-DVD IRA thriller which got good reviews elsewhere.

Gold - the most inept title for an Irish movie since Sensation. 'Turd' would have been a better title.

A nightingale falling - another Big House movie but without the quality actors and Protestant outlook.

Mrs Brown's boys d'movie - TV adaptation comedy that fails to match older ones from the 1970s.

Frank - another overrated release from this director. Full of horrible characters and even worse music.

Run & jump - imagine if someone made a movie about how a man copes married to a disabled woman? That wouldn't be acceptable. Here's one with the roles reversed and it was about as original as that selfie its director posed for at the IFTAs!

Calvary - church bashers at it again in the most subtle of ways. Gleeson won't be smirking in a few years when no-one remember his movies!

Sea - if I wanted to get funding from our Film Board this is the kind of crap I would use. Exactly the kind of stuff that soaks up funding yet no-one really is impressed with the finished result.

Stag - it's one thing to copy obscure movies but here in Ireland we do it a little different. Yes, lets copy recent box-office hits from the States. Singer Rocky DeValera had more originality than this rubbish. Amy Huberman's in it too, enough said.

Stalker - seriously, this is just sh-t. There's a reason certain films don't get made and it's not because Irish directors don't have the 'balls' or whatever rubbish that FIS document states. About as subtle as Louis Walsh voting for Irish acts on the X-factor.

GIVE DUNCAN CAMPBELL FUNDING FOR A FEATURE!

This Dubliner has just won the Turner prize and has more filmmaking talent than a hundred Graham Cantwells! Our Film Board should award this guy funding to make a feature immediately. They need to take a break from funding crap like Standby, Gold and The stag. Campbell could make another Hunger or Snap? Give him enough money to make a feature on his own terms. It's really sad that people need their talent to get recognised abroad while our Film Board supports the latest knobhead from IADT or the Catalyst scheme. It's like when I was a kid in the 1980s and our radio stations were blaring out the latest tune from the rock band Hothouse flowers while the far, far superior Dublin band My bloody valentine got zero airplay in this country.

Run of the arrow

Another old Western with a local theme. Steiger plays an Irishman (with a strong accent) who decides he cannot live in the newly formed United States. He heads West, joins the Indians, and then helps the cavalry select a site to build a fort. Amid tensions on both sides he has to obey his new beliefs whilst preventing both groups from fighting each other. The title comes from a game where a man is chased by the Indians whilst given a head start depending on the distance shot by an arrow. Anyone who thinks Dances with wolves is anyway original needs to watch this picture! You won't read about this movie in books on Irish cinema but Fuller was just as important a director as John Ford.

Title: Run of the arrow
Genre: Emigration
New/old: Old
Cinema/DVD: DVD

StandBy

Standby for another crap release from our Film Board! It's the dullest of people making a movie in the most 'challenging' of genres, the romcom! Seriously, these people are just too normal to make anything of interest. The reason they receive funding is because they will never rock the boat. An airport worker, who plays in a skiffle (not rockabilly) band, meets an old flame and he brings her around Dublin before her next flight out. There's absolutely nothing of interest here, everything is predictable, safe, bland, and forgettable. The only good scene was a dance to a Depeche Mode cover. Ireland, a country where we're come out of the worst recession in history yet film makers produce this contrived sh-te! Let me guess, all the script readers working for the IFB are female? Knobheads with empty minds, making templated rubbish convinced they've got talent.

Title: Standby
Genre: Romantic comedy
New/old: New
Cinema/DVD: Cinema

Guarantee

Watchable and fast-paced movie about the Irish banking collapse. It intercuts video footage of the major figures involved, shows how America had their own problems, it portrays the bankers as being smarter than the politicians, and keeps you watching. The limited-budget shows on screen, none of the actors resemble their real-life characters, the music is dull, and a lot of the movie amateurish. But at least this film is relevant to our times and treats the audience with some intelligence. A real-life horror movie!


Title: The guarantee
Genre: Docudrama
New/old: New
Cinema/DVD: Cinema