StandBy

Standby for another crap release from our Film Board! It's the dullest of people making a movie in the most 'challenging' of genres, the romcom! Seriously, these people are just too normal to make anything of interest. The reason they receive funding is because they will never rock the boat. An airport worker, who plays in a skiffle (not rockabilly) band, meets an old flame and he brings her around Dublin before her next flight out. There's absolutely nothing of interest here, everything is predictable, safe, bland, and forgettable. The only good scene was a dance to a Depeche Mode cover. Ireland, a country where we're come out of the worst recession in history yet film makers produce this contrived sh-te! Let me guess, all the script readers working for the IFB are female? Knobheads with empty minds, making templated rubbish convinced they've got talent.

Title: Standby
Genre: Romantic comedy
New/old: New
Cinema/DVD: Cinema

Guarantee

Watchable and fast-paced movie about the Irish banking collapse. It intercuts video footage of the major figures involved, shows how America had their own problems, it portrays the bankers as being smarter than the politicians, and keeps you watching. The limited-budget shows on screen, none of the actors resemble their real-life characters, the music is dull, and a lot of the movie amateurish. But at least this film is relevant to our times and treats the audience with some intelligence. A real-life horror movie!


Title: The guarantee
Genre: Docudrama
New/old: New
Cinema/DVD: Cinema

Out of here

Awful and dull movie about a returned emigrant who's dropped out of art college. It's like a sequel twenty years later to Snakes and ladders where the movie follows Moxley's son! Similar scenes (e.g. rave) but these young people are too dull to enjoy themselves. Are we supposed to feel sorry for this guy because he didn't get his degree from NCAD? As if his friends are going to get a decent job with a useless degree in fine art! There's absolutely nothing new in the film, every scene has been done before in previous Irish titles. Uses a disjointed observational style but there's nothing in the movie to interest. The similar but less stylish Gingerbread men is much better. Yet another turkey that's getting decent reviews because it got Film Board funding! What's missing from Irish cinema? Not this sh-te!

Title: Out of here
Genre: Mumblecore
New/old: New
Cinema/DVD: Cinema

'71

This year's IRA movie and it's well-made but has the look of a straight-to-DVD effort. It's 1971, and two soldiers get left behind in a street battle, one gets shot dead, while the other goes on the run. The army shouldn't have picked up that body because it could be booby-trapped. The other meets people from both sides of the conflict and discovers that most have dual identities. You won't really care what happens because the whole movie gets ruined by hand-held cinematography. It's also set at night so is difficult to follow what's going on. Some good acting, chase sequences, and plot twists but this movie has about as much to say on the Troubles as Graham Cantwell's 'masterpiece' Anton.

Title: '71
Genre: IRA
New/old: New
Cinema/DVD: Cinema

Dick Dickman PI

Unknown movie from about a decade back that's now been released on DVD. It's terrible stuff! Set in the South East it tells the story of an irritating man who trains himself to be a private investigator. He checks out Russian criminals trying to steal Irish culture! Featuring the 'cream' of Irish comedy: Brendan's Grace and O'Carroll, June Rodgers, Frank Carson, and Joe Rooney. It looks like it got filmed on a camcorder bought in Argos(!), is fast-paced, and has the tone of a live action version of a children's cartoon. There are several women in the film who appear almost identical and it gets confusing to figure out who's who. Lots of popular songs on the soundtrack (did the producers really get clearance to use these?). Seriously, this movie is just sh-t!

Title: Dick Dickman PI
Genre: Comedy
New/old: Old
Cinema/DVD: DVD

Gold

Another mundane release from our Film Board. Similar in tone to Life's a breeze or Run and jump and just as bad! Dull characters, bad music on the soundtrack, no real drama or comedy, dull lighting, story that doesn't know when to end, and a general smugness that everyone involved is doing something special. Well they're not! These people are just too normal to do anything of interest and same with the filmmakers! A middle-aged guy visits his daughter's new family. None of these people are likeable, for example when Nesbitt's character falls into the river we don't care! It's bland and boring and all the 'right names' are involved but seriously you would need low expectations to enjoy this. After paying €10.10 I didn't!

Title: Gold
Genre: Comedy drama
New/old: New
Cinema/DVD: Cinema

Noble

Well-made and enjoyable biography of an Irish charity worker. The movie moves back and forth in time between her upbringing and later life in Vietnam. O'Kane uses her annoying personality to good effect in the role and the little girl at the start of the film is a natural. Elements of Philomena in the story, uses too much handheld camerawork (don't sit in the front row!) and that dire band Coldplay's music is on the soundtrack. But it's a marvellous picture that's uplifting, educational, and avoids the banalities of a TV movie. Really good stuff so well done to all involved.

Title: Noble
Genre: Bio
New/old: New
Cinema/DVD: Cinema

A nightingale falling

Strange I watched The beguiled on DVD last week and now this similar Irish movie arrives? A wounded soldier gets treated by lonely rural women in 1920's Ireland. Sadly, it's the Graham Cantwell school of filmmaking once again: laughable dialogue ("I'm pregnant, I am with child"), cinematography that doesn't suit, bad acting, intruding soundtrack music in every scene, too much story that doesn't know when to end, timid fight scenes, and a complete lack of originality. There must be half-a-dozen movies by now about the Big Houses in 1920's Ireland? All better than this! It's really sad that new Irish filmmakers make this bland, contrived rubbish. If anyone wants to see why Irish cinema is currently being slated for its lack of intelligence here is a good example!

Title: A nightingale falling
Genre: IRA
New/old: New
Cinema/DVD: Cinema

SCOTTISH INDEPENDENCE WILL HARM IRISH FILM!

Only a few days left and if Scotland does becomes independent it will be bad news for Ireland's film industry. Not only have they got better golf courses, inventors, poets, record labels, and rock bands than we do but they can achieve everything we did but with more. That includes enticing tourists and multinationals to their country instead of here. As for Irish film forget it! Those Hollywood companies will move to Scotland instead and Euro-film funding will go there too. Do you think the Scottish IFTAs would be as embarrassing as ours? Are Scotland's schools full of women teaching kids religion instead of maths? Bob Geldof is correct: (for the sake of Ireland's would-be film industry) they should stay in the Union!

Silence

Dull movie about a sound recordist who travels from Germany to the West of Ireland. He meets various people through English and Irish and tries to record natural sounds. Slow-moving and visually based it's boring and rather one-dimensional. Lots of older footage of people living in the past this movie goes nowhere and does nothing new. If you've seen stuff like Radio on and I could read the sky you will not be impressed with this effort. Surely if he wanted to record silence he should have visited Roscommon?

Title: Silence
Genre: Road
New/old: New
Cinema/DVD: DVD

What if

Another Irish-themed movie that's crawled into our cinemas without much support. Harry Potter lives in Canada and falls for a smart young lady. She of course has a successful boyfriend so there's lots of polite conversation and little romance between the pair. Average but enjoyable movie with lots of interesting moments scattered throughout. The swim under the stars, the bread loaf that killed Elvis(!), the party dialogue, the pretty sister, the walks along the streets, the boyfriend going out the window, a good dance scene at a wedding, and everyone being a bit too intelligent and polite! The Irish part arrives when the boyfriend relocates to Dublin. There's a big deal made about our city so it's strange the characters would be impressed when they live in Toronto! People dismiss these films but it's the only way to regularly see 'real characters' in multiplex cinema!

Title: What if
Genre: Romantic comedy
New/old: New
Cinema/DVD: Cinema