Glassland

There's something not right when average Irish films receive glowing reviews elsewhere. This one is like a cross between the far better Patrick's day and I used to live here. Strange that these recent titles are so alike? Not the first time our Film Board has funded similar features close together! A taxi driver cares for his alcoholic mother, in Tallaght. Nothing remotely interesting or worthwhile, dull cinematography (yes, I know that was the point!), disjointed scenes, poverty porn, characters you won't care about, and a 'tense scene' in XtraVision. All that was missing was a junkie character. One part I did like were the scenes with the overprotective and motherly neighbour. Also good was how some of the story occurred off screen with characters we never saw. Compared with The stag this movie is a minor masterpiece but adds nothing to social-realist cinema which we've seen over and over. Is any Irish director capable of doing something a bit different or will we always follow the beaten path laid down by other countries and just repeat with Irish accents/settings?

Title: Glassland
Genre: Social realism
New/old: New
Cinema/DVD: Cinema

Dublin nightmare

Would rather watch these old black and white movies than most sh-te our Film Board funds! This one is a B-picture from the 1950s about a robber who goes missing. His friend arrives to try and help the foreign girlfriend find out what happened after a van gets robbed across the border. Lots of empty street shots but most of the film is studio-based. Several actors look alike and it's at times confusing. There are some good scenes but most of it is too talky. A highlight is when the main guy (Sylvester from 2001) gets pushed into a canal. There's awful music on the soundtrack, like a plastic keyboard with the batteries running down. Strange the way these old movies make Dublin appear more interesting than recent titles can.

Title: Dublin nightmare
Genre: IRA
New/old: Old
Cinema/DVD: DVD

And then there were none

SPOILER ALERT! Another old movie that never gets mentioned in books on our cinema. Unlike those IFTA winners, director René Clair was a genuine talent. This movie is about an Irishman who visits an English island with several people and kills most of them! They have all murdered other people in the past. Not a horror movie as the deaths are off screen. Based on a stage play so is more of a 'whodunnit'. Other versions of this movie are available under another title (Ten little indians). Famous cast including Fitzgerald and Huston.

Title: And then there were none
Genre: Murder mystery
New/old: Old
Cinema/DVD: DVD

I used to live here

Awful film about a mother-less family in working-class South Dublin. Nausea-inducing camera work with the usual piano and 'Brian Eno music' on the soundtrack this is easily the worst Irish release of 2015. Full of silly continuity credits about which day is it (as this had any relevance?); it's about a young girl who struggles to cope with a loser boyfriend, unfaithful dad, and a strange friend. Lots of people are jumping off a local flyover too. There's one scene where she has to walk from the city centre out to Tallaght but the music on the soundtrack sounds like something off Schindler's list! About as subtle as a brick in the face this movie is just terrible. Full of close-ups of ugly people where we're supposed to care about their pathetic lives. The kind of movie where its film makers are far more involved in the story than the audience. Really aimed at teenagers but they'd be better off watching the similar but better Irish movie Jump.

Title: I used to live here
Genre: Social realism
New/old: New
Cinema/DVD: Cinema

Betrayal of trust

Another in the worst ever of Irish film genres: the church exposé. Like Conspiracy of silence this one has a crap title, soap-opera acting, bad lighting, bad camera work, awful music, and a general lameness where you know exactly what's going to happen in most scenes. A woman informs a family that a local Belfast priest is abusing the kids, the church tries to cover it up, the police get involved, a TV crew get involved, other people come forward, this priest escapes to the Republic, he then goes back to face trial, receives a lenient sentence, it's discovered that orders from decades earlier to keep him away from children were ignored, and then the end. Only the mother and the Dick Spring lookalike were any good. The rest of the movie is terrible. For some reason it's out on DVD where far better Irish titles are lost forever.

Title: Betrayal of trust
Genre: Religion
New/old: Old
Cinema/DVD: DVD

QUICK GUIDE TO ALL THOSE LEPRECHAUN MOVIES!

Leprechaun - the one with Jennifer Aniston

Leprechaun 2 - the romance one

Leprechaun 3 - in Las Vegas

Leprechaun in space - science fiction

Leprechaun in tha hood - rap version

Leprechaun back to tha hood - can't find this one on DVD, so not yet reviewed

Leprechaun origins - back in Ireland

Leprechaun's revenge - the one with the four green horseshoes!

Yank

Another year, another Irish-American release. This one has a wedding party visit the old country and travel from Dublin to Clare. The best man and chief bridesmaid don't get along but you'll never guess what happens by the end of the movie? Much humour from how the Americans adjust to Ireland: the weather, breakfast, roads, pubs, etc. The script is good but nothing else is, including dreadful camera work and direction. Many scenes have characters appear out of nowhere and step into shot. Some funny stuff include watching the football game from 1994 and the cranky landlady. Strictly straight-to-DVD material but worth a look.

Title: The yank
Genre: Road
New/old: New
Cinema/DVD: DVD

Patrick's day

First Irish release this year and it's worth a look. A mentally-ill man meets a suicidal woman but his mother tries to get rid of her. It's well made and the story is moving but like the director's previous effort none of the characters are likeable. Goes on too long but has to be admired for the execution and subject matter. Nothing new though, these mental illness-romance movies were done back in the 1960s (David and Lisa, Lilith). Definitely the top FIS title so far; best Irish movie since Snap.

Title: Patrick's day
Genre: Drama
New/old: New
Cinema/DVD: Cinema

Leprechaun origins

Another one! This is set in Ireland where four tourists visit and get sacrificed to a little monster. They escape and go on the run trying to survive. It's mostly set at night, is fast paced, but isn't scary at all. There's one good scene where they accidentally kill one of their own. This monster appears different to the others in the series, more deformed. The story involves a mine that has gold extracted and the leprechaun wants it back.

Title: Leprechaun origins
Genre: Horror
New/old: New
Cinema/DVD: DVD

SAVE OUR IFTAS!

It's the biggest crisis in Irish cinema since Kirsten Sheridan ceased being a member of our Film Board! Not only has RTÉ refused funding for this year's event but now the IFB is also considering the same. This is a total disgrace! What other organisation would nominate masterpieces like Shrooms and Trouble with sex? What will we do without these IFTAs? This event fills about three pages on this blog alone. Where else can Amy Huberman stand behind our President and wink at someone off-screen? Where else can Saoirse Ronan's dad say "she's having a curry"? The IFTAs do the exact same as most Irish movies do: bad camera work, terrible sound, bad dialogue, and ugly women. That Nordie short that got an Oscar nomination today: you can be damn sure that it would NEVER have received an IFTA nomination. Because the IFTAs doesn't worry about silly stuff like quality. For the sake of Irish cinema please save our IFTAs!

The good, the average, and the rubbish of 2014

Probably the weakest year so far this decade for Irish cinema releases. Some titles got screened exclusively outside of Dublin but made little impact. Here's a rundown of what I saw:

GOOD
Noble - impressive biopic that didn't do as well as it should have.

Food guide to love - another release that no-one noticed. Set in Dublin it eventually ran out of steam but is enjoyable enough.

AVERAGE
Guarantee - political horror about the banking collapse.

What if - OK romcom with a bit of intelligence, partly set in Dublin.

Jimmy's hall - small-scale movie about a man hounded out of Ireland

Songs for Amy - how many Irish romance movies got released this year? Set in Galway, this is one of the better ones.

RUBBISH
Standby - join-the-dots romcom with (mostly) Irish accents.

Out of here - middle-class rubbish about an art-school drop out. As dull as it sounds.

'71 - straight-to-DVD IRA thriller which got good reviews elsewhere.

Gold - the most inept title for an Irish movie since Sensation. 'Turd' would have been a better title.

A nightingale falling - another Big House movie but without the quality actors and Protestant outlook.

Mrs Brown's boys d'movie - TV adaptation comedy that fails to match older ones from the 1970s.

Frank - another overrated release from this director. Full of horrible characters and even worse music.

Run & jump - imagine if someone made a movie about how a man copes married to a disabled woman? That wouldn't be acceptable. Here's one with the roles reversed and it was about as original as that selfie its director posed for at the IFTAs!

Calvary - church bashers at it again in the most subtle of ways. Gleeson won't be smirking in a few years when no-one remember his movies!

Sea - if I wanted to get funding from our Film Board this is the kind of crap I would use. Exactly the kind of stuff that soaks up funding yet no-one really is impressed with the finished result.

Stag - it's one thing to copy obscure movies but here in Ireland we do it a little different. Yes, lets copy recent box-office hits from the States. Singer Rocky DeValera had more originality than this rubbish. Amy Huberman's in it too, enough said.

Stalker - seriously, this is just sh-t. There's a reason certain films don't get made and it's not because Irish directors don't have the 'balls' or whatever rubbish that FIS document states. About as subtle as Louis Walsh voting for Irish acts on the X-factor.